Book available now

The book is now available on Flipkart and at Reliance TimeOut outlets.

Interview on Chillibreeze

My interview on Chillibreeze

Comments and questions welcome.

It is "outed" not "ousted" at one point in the interview.  I have asked for it to be corrected.

500

I don't usually mark milestones on my blog, but this calls for a celebration.  500 posts.  Coming to think of it, it is not such a big number at all for all that I have said over more nearly seven years. 

But what a journey!  How I agonized before publishing my first post!  I was so shy about showing my writing to the world.  I rightly guessed that blogging would cure me of that hesitation, and now here I am, 500 posts later, with a few writing successes to my credit.

In these 500 posts you can see my journey from a clueless and irresponsible new bride, to the mother of a five-year old, someone who doles out hot (albeit shapeless) phulkas as effortlessly as she doles out unsolicited parenting advice (heh.)

You can see me transition from someone who wrote to escape the boredom of a job I wasn't interested in - to someone who writes for the love of writing.

A large part of what blogging did was to open me up to an entirely new world out there - to people who have affected my life profoundly in ways I would never have imagined.  There are people who wouldn't ever have come into my life if not for blogging.  Windows have opened that led to doors, and more doors, and with that came more people - and the learning, the discovery, the joys - phew!

I'll stop the gushing - I'm sure you get the picture.

Some of you have been with me all through that time. Some have joined me later, a few have held my hand in the beginning, but you've moved on since.  Some have been silent, some of you have constantly spoken to me. But each one of you has contributed to me and my writing in some way or the other, so thank you all for being there.

The Book is here!

Edited to add: Report in The Hindu
And so the book has been launched, and it is really nice to hold a book with my name on the front cover. :).

That's me on the extreme right, with (L-R)  Jahnavi Barua, Teresa Bhattacharya, Usha KR, who released the book.

Another picture, with Rachna Chhabria.  Both our stories make up this book.

 The front cover of the book

The back: 

It says about my story:   
This delightful story tells you how little Meenu sets out on a mission to save this arid world by bringing back stories that fill our lives with colour and delight.  Shruthi Rao succeeds in exploring the profound world of creativity and imagination using terms that even a child can understand.

Soon, I will update the blog with details on how and where you can buy a copy of the book.

Edited to Add:   The book is now Available on Flipkart and in Reliance TimeOut outlets

The Story Lady - Book Release

The book with my prize-winning story, "The Story Lady" will be released on Friday, Aug 10.  Here is the invitation.  If you can, please be there!

Moving

This weekend, we moved to our new home.

I'm writing this sitting in a room piled with belongings, and outside, work still goes on - I can hear talk, banging, drilling and I can smell paint. 

The house is not quite ready yet, but we moved in anyway.

Our previous home was special to me.  It was the first home I managed on my own. (We lived with S's parents until then.)  It was the place I learned, experimented, unlearned and blundered in.  We had a lot of lovely times there.  Of course there were bad times too, there always are, but I prefer to remember the happy ones ;)  It was small, but convenient.  [As Puttachi grew, we realized it was getting smaller ;)]  And of course, this home was next to a lovely park, where we had some beautiful times, Puttachi and me.  I'm going to miss that park, definitely.  Though we've moved only about 4 km from this place, the park is not across the road any longer! :)

And it is so true that memories make a home.  Yesterday, after we moved all our belongings to the new house and cleaned the old house, I stood there, looked around.  It is amazing how much this rented house that we lived in for 3.5 years, absolutely empty, totally devoid of all our belongings - seemed more like "home" than our new house, which is our own, and where all our belongings are.  Memories - good ones at that! 

Puttachi hugged the walls of the old house and bawled, saying she didn't want to leave it.  No wonder. It is the only home she has known.  On our last visit to the park, she even hugged the park (don't even ask how.)  Anyway, it took us a while to comfort her and drag her away from that house!

And I've found that it is also true that the kitchen is probably the heart of the home.  The kitchen is not yet ready in the new home, so we are living out of boxes.  I discovered how many elements it takes to make a cup of tea, only when I had to look through three different boxes for the vessel, the strainer, the mugs, and the tea.  I hadn't paid much attention to packing, because I had assumed that I would empty the contents of all the boxes into the kitchen cabinets, and only then start cooking.  Who knew that the people who come to work had other things in mind, and wouldn't have the kitchen ready? :)

So, the first two days, we ate the food I had manufactured on an industrial scale before moving out of the old home (while Puttachi spent the two days happily at her friend's house.)   After that, we ate out and at my mom-in-law's place, and late on the third day, I made the first cup of tea, and then some soup which we ate with bread for dinner.

Today, I whipped up a quick veg pasta with whatever I could find, for Puttachi to take to school.  And then I went into the room for something, came out, and felt the heat radiating out of the open kitchen, and felt a warmth that was much beyond the physical one.  This finally felt like "home."

This is a nice place, one we got after months of searching, and then months of renovation.  A very nice, green apartment complex with lots of space and facilities for Puttachi to play in, great location, aaaaaand - walkable from Puttachi's school! :D

Here's to predominantly happy times in the new place too!  Cheers!

Is your child a fussy eater?

Is your child fussy about food, a picky eater?

Why do some children seem to fuss so much about eating, and why do some children sail through meals?  I am no expert, but I am a good listener ;)  This is a result of my observations, experiences and conversations with parents.  And I have a wealth of references because this is such a common complaint.

So I'm going to list out what could be going awry, and what you could do to set things right.

I started off thinking about this subject with one thought.  No child in our family has ever been fussy about food.  If I think about it, I can remember me and my sister, all my cousins, everybody, happily tucking into food all the time without any ado whatsoever. 

1) Limit junk food, increase physical activity.  No matter what you cook and how well you cook, the child cannot possibly eat if he is not hungry.  Really cut down on junk food, and make sure the child gets plenty of fresh air and exercise.  At about the age of three, it was quite remarkable the difference in Puttachi's appetite, the day when she went to the park and the day she didn't.  (They sleep well too - double advantage.)

2) Plan meals according to the child's temperament at that stage. Every child has its own eating preferences and patterns, and it differs at every age too.  Puttachi went through a phase where she couldn't eat much at one go.  So I gave her a little food, say saaru-anna and palya at one sitting, and then after a couple of hours, curds and rice.  (I didn't make anything else, mind you.  Just split the same meal into two.)  Also, do make a note of what the child has eaten before offering her the next meal.  You really can't expect a child to eat a full dinner at eight if she has had a tall glass of milk at seven.

3) Don't force food in, let the child go hungry a few times. :)  Don't force the child into eating anything.  If the child stops eating, just stop offering.  If the child is throwing a tantrum or showing disinterest, stop.  Let them starve. They'll come back the next meal and eat well.  Even if this goes on for a few days, it is okay.  The child is not going to suffer from starvation.

3a) Don't supplement a half-eaten  meal with junk food.  I know some parents who give the child bread or cake or biscuits if the child doesn't eat a full meal just to "fill the child's tummy."  Avoid that.  If you must, give her a fruit. 

4) Children go through cycles of eating less and more.  It could be growth spurts, it could be a rise or slump in physical activities - it could be many things, but children sometimes just don't need so much.  So if they suddenly stop eating for a few days, relax.  They'll make up for it.   Even we as adults sometimes don't feel like eating a particular meal.  Children also go through such periods.  Respect that, and leave them alone.  And as early as possible, get them to take decisions about how much they want to eat.

5) Other caregivers - It is easy for you as a parent to decide that the child can starve for half a day, and be done with it.  But if someone else is in charge of feeding your child on a regular basis, they are answerable to you, and they will not be comfortable about letting the child rise from the meal with a less-than-full stomach.  Even if you are cool with it, it is natural to feel that it is their responsibility to make sure the child has a full meal.  I know, because I feel that way even when Puttachi's friend is eating at our place.  So they might tend to pamper the child a bit, go that extra mile to ensure that he eats a full meal.   Not eating curds?  Add a spoonful of sugar.  Still not eating?  Add one more spoonful of sugar.  Finally, the child gets so used to sweet curds that he won't eat unless his bowl has three spoons of sugar, and that is how fussiness takes root.  So let these people know that is is okay if the child doesn't eat full meals from time to time.

5) Make mealtimes pleasant - If the child associates mealtime with a parent who is forcing, cajoling, fretting, worrying - making her eat even if she doesn't want it - mealtimes will always become a chore.  Come on, food is wonderful.  Teach the child to enjoy it!

6) Same food for everybody from the beginning - As soon as the child is ready to eat regular food, make the same kind of food for everybody in the family if that is possible.  That might mean going low on the spice for a while, until the child scales up.  Avoid all those problems of setting aside a little bland dal and vegetables to mix with the rest of the spicy food.  My laziness worked for me in this case.  Ever since Puttachi was 1.5 years old, all of us ate the same food.  I gradually hiked up the spice levels as she grew.  For me, it was lesser work.  For Puttachi, this made it clear that there was no special treatment for her.

7) Fussy adult, fussy child. -  I have noticed that if there is a fussy adult at home, the probability of there being a fussy child is higher.  When the adult sets forth his choices and refuses to eat this and that, the child gets the concept that it is possible to refuse to eat such and such a thing.   I can understand, it will be very difficult to get an adult to change his eating habits, but the least you can do is to get the adult to stop announcing his preferences.  If he doesn't like brinjal, let him not eat it when it is being made.  If you are forced to make another vegetable for him, let it not come to the child's notice.  Very difficult, I know.  But I do feel that this is a great contributing factor.

I can't think of anybody in my family who is a fussy adult.  We eat anything and everything that is put before us.  That doesn't mean our taste buds have calcified.  We also have our preferences, likes and dislikes.  But when we are presented with something to eat, we just, well, eat it.

8) No choices - This is an extension of the previous point.  Don't give the child any choices.  Bring in the "eat it or leave it"  rule.  Nobody gets a choice at our home.  Whether you like it or not, you have to eat it.  There is no question at all about making something else for a person who doesn't like a particular dish.  Eat it, or starve.  Yeah, I know, I am very strict that way.  But it works.

Children are very self-centered people.  If they see that you are willing to bow down to their whims, then they will definitely make you dance around.  Don't give them that option at all.  We have a lot of conversations at the school gate nowadays about food, because Puttachi's class has started taking packed food to school from this year on.  I have seen, universally - all those mothers who say that their child doesn't eat anything and so they give them three different dishes to choose from in their lunch box - those are the kids who come back without having eaten anything.  And the mothers who state categorically that our children have no choice - eat it or leave it -  our children are the ones that come back with empty boxes.

9) Positive language - When you present a child with a new dish or a new vegetable, and you are not sure if the child will like it, offer it without comment.  Or if you must comment, say something positive.  "Here's something new, I have a feeling you might like this."  I have seen many mothers offer a new dish with, "See, aunty has made this - I don't know if you will like it.  Eat and tell me if you like it, I will give you  more."  The child immediately is on an alert.  And even that little negativity that creeps in gives the child the power, yes, the power to refuse and assert herself. 

10) No crutches - Don't ever devise a crutch for the child to make her eat.  Many children eat when the television is on, and that becomes a crutch.  One child I knew ate only when he was put in a tub of water.  One child, only when she watched advertisements.  One child, only when a particular album of nursery rhymes were played.  Why, Puttachi also was hooked on to stories for a long time, and wouldn't eat unless I told her a story.  When that stimulus goes missing, or if conditions are not absolutely right, the child doesn't eat at all.  As far as possible, get rid of any such dependencies.

11) Don't complain or keep saying that the child doesn't eat anything.  Not in front of the child, not in front of anybody.  This constant reinforcement especially if done in the child's hearing, immediately works to make the child not eat anything.   I have seen one child cured of its fussiness by the mother consciously changing her complaining tone to one of positivity, saying, "Oh yes, my son eats his meals.  No problem."  instead of "Ayyoooo he doesn't eat annnnnything!"

Constantly worrying about a child not eating also gives the child a sense of importance.  Why will he want to do away with all that attention?  ;)

12) Start early. The older the child is, the more difficult it is to get her to change her eating habits.  So start good, positive eating habits as early as you can. 

Edited to add this point: 13) Putting ideas into the child's head.  One of the mothers at the school gate was saying, "Poor kids, so sad, their food would have become cold by the time they eat it in the afternoon."  Yeah, obviously, but so what?  Haven't most of us grown up eating cold lunches?  Don't millions of kids all over the world eat cold lunches?   The mother will say this in front of the child and the child will find a new reason to refuse food.  Don't do this - children adapt and adjust very easily.  Don't put ideas into their heads, and create problems for yourself!

I am sure you have heard many elders say, "In our time, children were not like this, they just ate whatever was put before them."  That was simply because the children were left alone.  If they didn't eat, they would starve until the next meal.  (No junk food to carry them through either!)  So they probably fended for themselves, and of course, there were many children and they all just ate together and got the meals out of the way so that they could go and play.

So, in short, I would say - no special treatment, no fuss, no pampering.  And it is okay to let them go hungry once in a while.  Children are resilient creatures.  They will make up.  Relax.  It is good for you too! :)


Any other suggestions/observations?  Something else that has worked with you?  Anything that you think is wrong with my reasoning?  Please share!

Validating a child's feelings - a simple thing that has proven invaluable to me.

I want to share with you a little insight/trick that I have learned while interacting with a child, that has helped me a lot.  I picked this up from one of the parenting books or websites that my friend M keeps sharing with me, and I found that it is one of the most valuable inputs I have received about parenting.

In short - it is about listening to and validating a child's feelings.

When a child comes to you crying or whining about something - some little thing which you think is too small and insignificant to worry about - we usually say, "Oh come on, is that all, you should not cry for all that, stop crying."

To understand how this might feel, think of yourself in this situation.  You are sad, unhappy, frustrated about something, and you want to tell somebody who will listen.  But instead, that person says, "Huh, why should you feel that way?"  of "Yeah so what?"  or worse, starts giving you solutions ;) - don't you feel really annoyed?  You often know you are not justified in feeling the way you are feeling - but still the fact is that you are feeling that way, and you want to share it with someone.  That's all.  But you don't get what you want.  It can be very irritating.  I know that.  And I know that I have also been guilty of doing the same thing - saying "Stop feeling that way and move on," or something like that.  Because, that is probably the only way we know how to deal with it, trying to be helpful, trying to be uplifting.  But we'll probably be helping more if we just listen.

Many years ago, I heard about a young person who was crying for some reason, and her mother said, "Don't feel sad." And the girl said, "Don't tell me how to feel!"

This made me think.  It is so true - how can we tell people how to feel?  Whatever you say, they will feel what they feel.  All you can do is listen, and then if it is in your control, help them or make them feel better.

Similarly, in your eyes, the child's problem might be tiny.  A miniscule scratch, or some inexpensive thing that broke, or any one of those hundred little things children can find to whine about!

But, at that moment, it is a big thing for the child.  If you say something like, "oh come on, is that all, forget it,"  the child is not satisfied.  Very often, the child can even go into tantrum mode.  All she needs is someone to listen and say, "awww, is that so?"
Now if you are thinking that this is dangerous, that it might lead the child to start complaining more, you are absolutely right.  So the solution is - do not encourage it, do not extend it.  Nothing like, "Awww, where have you hurt yourself, oohhh so sad, is it hurting?  Poor thing.  Come on let me have a look, ohhh so sad..."  - This way you are giving undue attention to it.

So just listen, sympathize, and move on - perhaps look at what you can do about the problem.  Perhaps talk about something else.... here are a couple of real examples from me and Puttachi.

She: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Me: (From next room) What happened?
She: I was coming out of the toilet and I hit my heel on the door. (Nearly crying)
Me: Oh, show, where?  Here?  Just rub it well.  Yeah I know, that must hurt.  When the skin is wet, it hurts more, you know.
She: Really? Why is that? (Hurt completely forgotten, conversation moves in other directions.)

She is building a palace with her blocks, my mom and I are in another room. We hear a loud wail, and sobs, and she comes running here.

Me: What's the matter, Puttachi?
She: The palace broke, it tumbled down!

I hug her, wait for her to calm down a bit. I don't say anything, but just hold her.

My mother says:  So just build it again!
Puttachi literally snarls at my mother - someone she loves so much.

I sign for my mother to not say anything, and still hold Puttachi quietly until she finishes sobbing.

She: Amma, the king's palace broke.  If I try to put it back, it won't be the same again.

Me: That's true.  It'll be different - so then you'll have a new kind of palace, right?

She: But I want the same.... but.. but... (Brightens up!) Amma, I have an idea.  I'll make a palace for soldiers now!  (Runs off happily)

As you can see, I did not do anything at all.  I just held her until she had vented her frustration through tears.  Then she found the solution herself after she was done.

(Disclaimer: I would have done just what my mother did if this had happened a year ago.)

This tactic has worked very nicely with me and Puttachi.  I think the key to this is that the child feels validated, and once she feels that it is okay to feel that way, she can move to other things.

About I hope you can use it with your children.  And I hope I can use it with adults too ;)

In defence: Junk Food

As a mother, I have to frequently defend the choices that my husband and I make with Puttachi, to well-meaning well-wishers who think that we are going about certain things wrong. 

Junk food tops the list.

Why don't you give Puttachi Junk food? Poor thing!

I do give her junk food.  We love our junk, so why would we deny her those little pleasures?  The only thing is that I have very strict rules about when, what, and how much she can eat.
- No junk food before mealtimes, or on an empty stomach.
- No junk food after six in the evening
- Each serving is very small.  Just enough to satisfy the urge, and not to fill the stomach.  No more than two biscuits, no more than one piece of chocolate, no more than 2 tbsp of mixture - do you get the drift?

Why do you do this? Poor thing!

Junk food has no nutritional value.  It is eaten for enjoyment.  And so too much of this food in the tummy means that much less of nutritious food.  I'd rather she eats full balanced meals than fill her stomach with sugar and carbs.

Does she listen to you?

She does.  In fact, she now takes decisions herself.  Recently, when she was offered a third biscuit in the same sitting, she said, "I think I have had enough junk for now." 

How do you make it work?

From the very beginning, we've ensured that she doesn't even have the concept of eating so much at one go.  And more importantly, we follow those rules ourselves.  She frequently sees me decline a sweet because it is mealtime.  When she observes us following these rules, she realizes that this is something that is followed for a reason.

In fact, once, we were unexpectedly stuck somewhere and I didn't have any food on me, and Puttachi had become very cranky with hunger.  I had a Munch in my bag, and I gave it to her to eat.  She said, "Amma, the whole thing?  Are you sure?  Did you see how much you gave me?  The whole thing?  Is it okay?"

You're going to have a tough time later.  She's going to rebel and eat lots of junk food.  You have to give her whatever she wants now.

If you have a picture of her begging for junk food while I stand with my feet apart, hands on my hips (and horns on my head) and shouting, "No," you are wrong.  I never deny her junk food when she asks for it.  In fact, she even asks for it this way, "Amma, can I have a chocolate after I eat a banana?"
 
If she asks for something at an inappropriate time, I tell her why I cannot give it to her at that time, and she immediately modifies her request to - can I have that after food?

So it is not a question of my denying her something she craves for.  So I don't think this will cause her to rebel. 

But I know that many things are not in our control.  So if later in life, she actually does take to binging on junk food, we'll deal with it later.  Why get it started right now?

When we offer her junk food, she looks at you for permission.  We don't like that.  Aren't we responsible enough to know what is good for her and what is not?

If she wants to ask me for permission, it means that you are giving junk to her at at an ambiguous time - it has been a while since she's eaten, and there is still some time to go for the next meal - so she cannot take her own decision.  So she looks at me for help on taking the decision.  I cannot do anything about that.  In fact, I think you must appreciate her sense of responsibility on this, instead of labeling me Hitler.  I have in fact, never told her that she must ask me for permission if somebody she KNOWS gives her something to eat.

Some people even give her something and ask her not tell us.  That is a very dangerous trend, so please don't do it.

I think even the fact that I had to write this post speak volumes about the junk food culture that is so prevalent now.  People think nothing at all about eating anything and everything at any time of the day.  In previous eras, there was no junk food available commercially.  When somebody wanted to eat some nice yummy fried stuff, they had to make it at home!  And that is the biggest stumbling block!  And even if they did get around to making it, it was naturally way better than the stuff we get outside for the simple reason that they knew what went into it!

Gosh the things in junk food now - colour, flavouring - studies keep coming in about how this or that flavouring has proven to have ill-effects on children, yet the food flood keeps pouring out of the factories, and there are a million people standing with their mouths wide open to take it all in......

It scares me, it does.

Ah, tennis!

I remember watching my first Tennis match with my father.  Boris Becker was the first player I knew and recognized, I thought his name spelt "Baker" and I was both fascinated and repelled by his fair eye-lashes. 

Tennis was really in, while I was growing up.  We named ourselves after tennis players and played badminton.  In high school, we cut pictures of tennis stars out of sports magazines and collected, shared, coveted, safeguarded, begged for, showed-off, and exchanged these pictures.  (And defaced them, when we didn't like them.)  Ah those days, when the greatest problem in my life was that I didn't know how to pronounce "Stich" of Michael Stich!

I remembered all this after Puttachi and I watched the two Wimbledon finals over the weekend.  It was her first time, and she cottoned on to the basics of the game pretty quickly.  When I stepped away from the TV, she gave me running commentary too - "I think Radwanska won this point because Williams' ball hit the net."  "Amma, I think Williams won the next point because I can see her sister clapping."

She watched the whole match with me, without taking her eyes off the screen.  It fascinated me - how a sport could hold her attention for two hours!

She was intrigued that both the losing and winning parties wept - one out of sorrow and the other out of joy.

She was very eager to watch the Federer vs Murray match too, but I had warned her that she wouldn't be able to watch the whole match, since it would go on for long, and that the next day was a school day.  She watched as long as I let her, and when she went to bed, she was very worried about how she would find out who won.

That night, when she woke up for her toilet break,  she wasn't disoriented as she usually is.  She asked me, "Amma, will the match be over now?"
"Yes," I said, but didn't tell her that I had watched it and knew who had won.  I wasn't ready to answer a barrage of questions at 1 in the night!
"Will the winner's photo be in the paper tomorrow?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Amma, don't look at the newspaper until I wake up.  We will see it together and find out who won."

And all these instructions from someone who usually has no idea what is going on when she wakes up at night, and who needs to be helped into the bathroom and lifted onto the toilet seat!

I am waiting for the Olympics to begin.  I'm pretty sure we'll enjoy watching the games together. :) 

Another children's story published

One of my stories appeared in the Student's Edition of Deccan Herald of June 22nd.  I've attached a photo of it, but don't bother to read it because they've edited the sense and continuity out of my story.

I know my original story could have done with some pruning, but not at the expense of continuity! :)  So I am going to produce my original story here in full.

______

The noisy Monster.

Achal wasn't sure if he liked it or not. Manisha had decided that she was old enough to stop sleeping with Amma and Appa. She wanted to sleep with Achal in the room meant for the two of them. Achal was glad of her company – he liked his little sister with her loud voice and whirlwind ways. But he was annoyed that she would stop sleeping with their parents when she was only four years old, while he had waited till he was seven before he could summon up the will to sleep apart from his parents.

"That's just because Manisha has you for company, Achal," said Mamma. "You didn't have anybody, and that's probably why you were hesitant to start sleeping alone in your own room."

But Achal was uncomfortable anyway, that his little sister had become a big girl much before he had become a big boy.

Yet, that night, he felt good going to bed, turning off the lights, and knowing that Manisha was right next to him. Achal smiled, listening to Manisha's soft breathing on the bed next to him. How quickly these little kids fall asleep, he thought.

His mother called out to him. "Achal, Manisha has a slightly runny nose – if she wakes up at night calling out for me, will you let me know?"

"I will, Amma," said Achal, feeling very responsible. He was only nine years old, and Mamma already trusted him to look after Manisha! He felt very proud indeed.

Very soon, he was asleep too. He dreamt of Beyblades. He dreamt of his friend Arif's football, and of hanging by his legs from the tree in Raju Mama's house. Then he suddenly found himself in a park, with a monster following him. He couldn't see the monster. He could just hear it. "Pheeeeeeeee-Pop! Pheeeeeeeee-Pop!" said the monster, and the sound became louder and louder and scarier and scarier. It seemed like the monster was coming closer and closer to him.

Achal got scared. He ran from the sound, but it never ceased. He ran and he ran, his mouth dried up and his legs got tired, but still he ran and ran, and the sound was still right there, almost as if it were right next to his ears. "Pheeeeeeeee-Pop! Pheeeeeeeee-Pop!! Pheeeeeeeee-POP!"

From some corner of his mind, a voice told him that this was a dream. It was a trick his father had taught him. "When you dream that you are falling off a cliff," his father had said, "Tell yourself to grow wings, and then you can fly away instead of falling with a thud. And if you dream of monsters, tell yourself that there are no monsters, and then your mind will realize it is a dream, and you will wake up."

Achal hadn't had the opportunity to try it before, and this was it. The voice in his head became stronger. "Wake up, Achal," it said. "There are no monsters. You are just dreaming. Wake up, and the sound will go away."

Achal tossed and turned. He shook his head, and gradually the mists of sleep faded, and he emerged from his sleep.

He sighed with relief, licked his lips, and was about to turn and go back to bed, when "Pheeeeeeeee-Pop!" The sound was STILL there! Achal froze. This wasn't a dream. This sound was real and it was coming from the room. He lay frozen for a moment, letting only his gaze move slowly and fearfully around the room. He looked at the window, he looked at the cupboard, half-expecting it to open and monsters come tumbling out....... when suddenly he saw movement – right next to him!

"Manisha!" he thought. "Manisha is in my room! And is she making that strange sound? What on earth is it?"

He switched on the night light next to his bed, and looked at Manisha. She seemed troubled by something, and yes, it was she who was making that terrible sound.

"She's having trouble breathing," Achal thought. "Her nose must be blocked."

He ran to his parents' room and woke up his mother. "Mamma! Manisha's nose is blocked!"

Mamma came to their room, rubbed Vicks on Manisha's nose, and turned her to one side. She sat for a while, stroking her back, until Manisha's breathing became regular. She patted Achal's head and then went back to her own room.

Finally, the "Pheeeeeeeee-Pop" had gone. Achal sank back into bed thankfully, but not before having a sip of water for his dry throat.

There really ARE no monsters, he thought happily, as he closed his eyes and willed himself to dream of nice things!

***

Compliments!

Puttachi gives such generous compliments! 

Here are a few things she says about my cooking:

- Amma, you know exactly what I like.  Thank you soooo much!
- Mmmmmmm this is soooo good I cannot believe how good it is. 
- Amma, you cook sooo well, so well that you can teach others how to cook!
- Amma, give me your hand, I want to kiss it, because this hand made such tasty food!

If I'm wearing something nice:

- Oh Amma, this is such a beautiful dress I can't believe how nice you are looking.
- Oh here comes pretty pretty Amma!

If love just overflows for no reason:

- Amma you are such a cutie pie
- Amma I love you sooo much you are such a nice girl.

Is it any wonder my head is in the clouds these days? :)

This and that

If you read my blog on a feedreader, you might have noticed a few posts that speak about Puttachi who is definitely younger than she is now.  I was just going through my drafts and deleted some.  I found a few which had some things I didn't want to forget, and so I published them.

And if you are wondering why the sudden prolific blogging, Puttachi goes to school full time now, and so I have some solid time for myself.  :)

Some more on a child and its choices.

The comments on my previous post raised many interesting points. I tried to discuss some of them in the comments itself, but I realize I have lots more to say.

1) When you allow the child to make choices and take decisions about his own life, it puts him in a position of confidence and control.  He realizes that he is the master of his own life.  And just as Sumana said in the comments, this attitude will enable him to respect other people's choices too.  If someone is always saying do this, do that - then he will also turn to the others around him and say, do this, do that, and will get offended when people don't concur with his choices or opinions.  And aren't we seeing a lot of that intolerance around us? 

2) Where to draw the line - The question uppermost in every parent's mind, about every aspect of parenting.  Such a fine balance, really, and so easy for it to go awry.  In this matter of giving your choild choices, all that is in your hands is to lay before the child all the facts of the case, and then let him take his own decision.

In the matter of growing Puttachi's hair, I put it all down on the table - washing and drying hair will take longer and will be more difficult, your hair will get tangled more easily, and it might be painful when I try to smoothen your hair out.  We will need some time in the mornings for me to tie/braid your hair, and so you will have to help me by getting ready sooner.  She considered all this, and still went ahead with her decision.  And if she ever whines when it is taking too long to wash her hair, I remind her that she had been warned, and she shuts up immediately. 

I know that my aunt would set things out like this to her son, and he would invariably weigh the pros and cons and make the correct decision.  That way, he felt in control of his own life, and my aunt was also satisfied that she told him all the facts of the situation up front, and he made the choice she wanted too.

And honestly, I personally think that when a child grows with this kind of attitude, the possibilities of his making the wrong choices becomes very little, because he gets used to weighing the pros and cons of it all. 

Besides, if he grows up with constantly being told what to do, he might want to rebel on purpose, though he knows that what he is doing is wrong - because now he has the power to carry out his wishes though it is against his parents' wishes.

3) A friend and a reader of this blog told me about how her 6-7 year old daughter signed up for Taekwondo classes without discussing it with her parents.  I think it is a good sign, because the child is already confident about her own life and choices, enough to go ahead on her own.  Second, and most important, she has taken this step because she knows that her parents will support her.  That security, that confidence in parents - that spring board is essential for a child to spring forward in life.  If the board itself is faulty or shaky, how do you expect a child to step on it and leap forward?

But then again, where to draw the line?  In this case, I would have first appreciated the child's enthusiasm and initiative, and later, maybe some hours later or the next day, bring it back into the conversation and gently suggest that some things need to be discussed with the parents first, because the parents have a bigger picture and can help with the decision.  And my guess is that the child will oblige because by now she already knows that her parents are sensible.

4) One more commenter suggested "As a parent, you choose three good options, and then give them the liberty to choose one among them. That way, you protect your child from making wrong decisions... "

My take on this is - providing your child these options might seem like you are allowing them to have a semblance of control in their lives - but yet, the child has no freedom to make his own choice.  So how will he make mistakes, and learn from them?

The child wants a chocolate, and you say, "you can have either an apple or a banana or an orange." How is it going to help the child who wants chocolate feel in control?  Later in life, if the child wants to become a photographer, and you say, "Become either a doctor or an engineer or a laywer."  What do you think?  If my examples weren't good, if you can give me examples about how this aproach can be a good thing, please do.


5) When the child has the freedom to decide, the child probably respects your decisions more, and believe it or not, listens to your words more readily.
For example, sometimes, if I ask Puttachi, "Want to have your dinner right away, or do you want to play for a while longer?"
She says, "Whatever, Amma.  If you want me to come right now, I will.  Whatever you want."  And this is not obedience, and it is not as if she is not interested in what she is doing.   Probably she is not too particular either way, and would rather leave the decision to me, and my guess is that it could be because she doesn't feel the need to assert herself. 

6) Giving the child a choice helps make her responsible for her choice.  If Puttachi wants to play in the park for ten minutes longer, I tell her, "Fine you can play, but you do realize, don't you, in that case you will have time for only one bedtime story."  So Puttachi now has to make a choice, and she makes it, and if she cries for an extra bedtime story, I put my foot down.  You chose this, so accept this, I say.  And so the next time, she will be careful about what she chooses. This result, cause and effect will somehow shape her decision-making, is what I believe and hope! :)

There are, of course, certain situations where you just have to step in and draw a line - especially those concerning the child's safety, well-being and health.  Until the child is old enough to know better, these choices are best made by you - BUT, with an explanation to the child why this is so.  It is the child's life and she deserves to know why. 

I'd love to hear from you about your views, your experiences.

Respecting a child's choice

I recently read about Will Smith talking about why he let his daughter cut her hair off. (Couldn't find the original link.)

“We let Willow cut her hair. When you have a little girl, it’s like how can you teach her that you’re in control of her body? If I teach her that I’m in charge of whether or not she can touch her hair, she’s going to replace me with some other man when she goes out in the world. She can’t cut my hair but that’s her hair. She has got to have command of her body. So when she goes out into the world, she’s going out with a command that it is hers. She is used to making those decisions herself. We try to keep giving them those decisions until they can hold the full weight of their lives.”

This resonated with me especially because Puttachi has declared that she wants to grow her hair.

For as long as she had no particular choice, I kept her hair short, because I found it easier to maintain.  But now that she is old enough to know what she wants, she told me that she wants to grow her hair, and that is fine by me.  I know it is going to be a little difficult - I have never dared grow my hair because I find maintenance too tedious.  But if Puttachi wants to grow hers, then that is her decision and I will help her with it.

People have asked me why I indulge her.  Just cut it off, they say.  Anyway, you are the one that cuts her hair - just tell her that you are trimming her hair and then cut it off.   People told me this even when she was three years old, and was aware enough to insist that she wants hair long enough in front - because she liked wearing clips.  They felt she looked cuter with her hair cut in a fringe, and told me to just cut it off, what would she do about it?  I was shocked, because even a three-year-old is a person with a say over what she wants - and this is such a harmless thing, it is not like she is insisting on eating only ice-cream for every meal!  So I refused to do anything to her hair without her permission.

That doesn't mean that we will let her do anything she wants.  There has to be a line somewhere and we will draw it, but we will tell her why we are drawing that line.  And since, from the beginning, I have explained to her in detail why I do the things I do, she already knows that there is a reason for everything we do, and I'm sure she'll respect it.  In fact, she is always open to logical arguments.  Now that she is growing her hair, it started falling into her eyes, and she is frequently too busy in her own world to realize that it is obstructing her sight, and so she doesn't always push her hair back, or tighten her clips.  So I told her that I would have to cut her hair short in the front, and she can grow it long at the back.  She saw the sense in my argument and agreed.

My mother tells me about a child who came to my first birthday party with bindis stuck all over her face.  I find that very impressive, that the girl's parents let her be a child, follow her fancy, and go out to a party with stickers all over her face.  I mean, it is so harmless, and if the child likes it, so what?  If the child wants to choose her own clothes, so what?  If the child wants to wear twenty clips on her head, pink on one side and red on the other, and go out of the house, so what? (Puttachi has done that.) 

This might seem a small thing - but it is just a foundation for the future.  If we don't allow our children to take simple decisions about their own bodies, about their own lives, then what can we possibly teach them?  What do you think?

A story...

Pratham Books had a contest for which I had sent in an entry.  I did not win but I thought you might like to read my entry.

A question for you

I need your help on this post.

I want to ask you a question - some of you mailed me and commented on the last post, that you admired me.  And some of you mentioned how you wouldn't have imagined, by reading my blog, that I stutter.

My question is - Why?

Why do you admire me (in the context of my stuttering)?  Why do you think I am a brave person?  Why is it that you cannot believe that I stutter (having known me only through my blog?)

Is it because you feel that I am doing well for myself, am happy and content, despite this "disadvantage" that I have?

Do you feel that it is laudable that, despite having faced laughter, derision and teasing in my childhood, I have yet turned out to be comfortable with myself?

What picture do you have of someone who stutters?  Awkward, diffident, unsocial? Inept? Stupid?  Boring?  Irritating?

Why do you think my writing and the fact that I stutter don't quite gel?  Is it because my writing is confident while the picture you have of a person who stutters is not?

You can be totally honest.  If you want, you can choose to be anonymous too when you comment.  It is perfectly fine, whatever you say, because I know that the media has given us certain stereotypes and we all fall prey to stereotypes.

I need to know this - because I have something in mind, something that I might choose to reveal sometime in the future - and for that, I need to know exactly what you feel about stuttering and about people who stutter.  Do you know anybody else who stutters? What has been your impression about the person?

Please comment! Thank you :)

How to react when you meet a person who stutters

I was watching Satyamev Jayate this weekend when a blind person narrated how people don't address him directly, but ask the people with him what HE wants.  If you are thinking it has something to do with eye contact, it isn't.  Because this happens to me too.

For example, we've gone for a test at a lab.

Receptionist: Name?
Me: Sh-sh-sh-Shruthi.
Receptionist:  (Immediately turns to S) Age?
S: (Looks back pointedly and blankly at receptionist.)
Receptionist: (Back to me) Age?  (Avoids eye contact)
Me: (Answers.)

Of course, it is not pleasant to listen when somebody stutters, so people might find it comfortable to talk to someone who doesn't stutter.  But they don't realize that it can be really insulting.  I have had  people pushing a pen and a paper at me, thinking that I'd rather write my question to them than say it aloud.  You are not being helpful, people!  You are being insulting!

I know people are in a hurry, I know not everybody knows what to do when faced with someone who is not able to get words out easily.

If you're wondering whether you'll fare well if you come face to face with a person who stutters, it's simple.

1) Remember that the person in front of you is a functioning, intelligent individual, in complete possession of all his senses.

2) Don't be helpful and try and complete sentences, or suggest words. 
e.g.  "I bought this in K-k-k-"
You: Koramangala?  Commercial street? Kanpur? Kerala?

3) Let them finish at their own pace. 

4) If you did not catch something that they were saying, don't just nod and go ahead.  Ask them to repeat it.  They will also have realized that the word did not come out quite clearly, and they will repeat it for you.  If you pretend to understand, you will be caught out later, and it will be embarrassing for you :)

5) Sometimes, the facial contortions that accompany stuttering can either alarm or amuse people, as I have seen.  More of amusement.  Don't hide your smile behind your palm, or pretend that you are laughing at something else.  That's really silly!  As if we can't make out!

6) When you are faced with a person who stutters on the phone, it can be difficult to realize that the silences on the other end are not because of problems in the network.  And because of the lack of eye-contact, several people who stutter find it more difficult to speak to strangers on the phone.  Once again, as soon as you realize that these are not technical interruptions, follow the same guidelines as above. 

7) What to tell your children - if your children ask, "why does she talk like that?"  Say whatever you want - that some people find it difficult to speak easily  - but don't make it a taboo thing like "Don't ask her, don't mention it to her, shhhh.."  A stutter is nothing to be ashamed of, and the child should not get that idea.

These are not too difficult, are they?  Just common sense, I would think.  Be natural.  And don't worry, because honestly, most of the people I know, and who have turned from strangers to friends - have all reacted perfectly naturally to my stutter.  I can usually pinpoint the exact moment of enlightenment in their eyes when they discover that I stutter, and that is perfectly okay!  It is what happens after that - that separates the wheat from the chaff!

One more thing, don't hesitate to bring my stutter up in our face to face conversation.  I am not embarrassed or touchy about it (I used to be, but not anymore.)

Any questions, bring them on.   And now that this series has kicked off, I'll probably say more about it soon.

Create something with your hands!

I know a lady, Dr.M, whose daughter learns music from my mother.  Dr.M is a very busy lady, but I knew that she regularly creates works of art - she had presented my mother with a painting on glass for their housewarming ceremony.  I wondered how she managed to fit in so much in what little time she had.

Whenever she brought her daughter for music lessons, she either brought a book with her, or some work that she did when she waited, or she went for a walk in the park nearby.  Once, when I was staying at my mom's place, Dr.M brought with her embroidery.

I decided to go, sit with her and pick her brains while she worked the delicate chain stitch on a silk cloth.

She told me that she always has something like this on hand, and whenever she gets the time, she starts working on it.  Of course, it sometimes takes years for a project to complete, but that is better than having done nothing!  initially, she would embroider on a dress, and then find after it was done, that she couldn't fit into the dress any more.  So now she embroiders on the cloth and then gets the dress stitched after it is done.   She told me she would also take it to the park when her children played there - yes, it did get dirty, but she would get it dry-cleaned later on.

I was impressed, and inspired.  When I thought about it, I realized that there are many pockets throughout the day when we could be doing something with our hands, without it interfering into any work. 

Chatting with a neighbour, perhaps, or watching a soap on tv, when you don't really need your eyes to be glued to the screen.  Waiting at a doctor's, or waiting to pick up your child after school - if you start thinking of it, you will find these pockets yourself.  

The second bit of inspiration came from Puttachi.  I took one of her slips and idly embroidered some small lazy-daisy flowers on it (not even very neat,) just to see if I remembered a skill I had learned in my childhood.  Puttachi was so fascinated that after that, she wanted to wear "Only that which Amma has embroidered." :)

For inspiration for ideas, I needed to look no further than my mom and aunts, and so, I was really enthused.

As I see it, the major work is in the planning part.  Deciding the project, zeroing in upon a pattern, sourcing the materials - once that is done, the rest of it is just manual work - not much thinking required - so something you can do while you want to think too!  Some projects don't even need too great levels of concentration.  And these - knitting, crochet, embroidery - are things which don't need you to spread out your work - you can carry it all around in a little ziploc bag and fish it out whenever you have a little time.

And the nice thing about doing something like this is - at the end of it, you have something to show for it. And it lasts.  And is appreciated, and treasured.  And is supremely satisfying. 

My mom and I made a sweater for Puttachi - I crocheted the front, and my mother knitted the back.




I had bought this denim kurta with a view to embroider it. I felt floral patterns wouldn't look good on this, so I did some research and zeroed in on Sashiko embroidery.  I found after I started that Sashiko shouldn't be done on denim, because the weave is too tight, but I had already set my heart on it, and found some workarounds and finished it anyway.  I feel a warm glow whenever I wear it, and when somebody compliments me on it, it is a bonus. :)



















I then experimented with crochet, made a crochet book-mark and learned how to make a doily.  More work on crochet is on my mind!























I am now working on a cross-stitch embroidered pillow cover for Puttachi.  I'll put up a picture once it is done.

And the advantage of doing something like this is that your child wants to do it too!  Puttachi was very keen to embroider too, but as I thought she was too young to learn actual stitches, I got her one of the Anchor stitch kit sets - she loves it.  She's been doing it off and on for the last 7-8 months.  We take it out only when she asks for it.  And I have actually seen her motor skills improve in those last months.  In the beginning, she couldn't poke the needle up from below the cloth at the right place by herself.  Now she can.  She does the whole thing herself, including threading the needle.  I need to supervise, though, because of the needle - but I realize now that she was ready to handle it before I thought she was. I hate it when I underestimate her. :O

If you want to get started too but don't know how, let me tell you that if you are really interested, there are many excellent tutorials on youtube that teach you every stitch, every skill. And there are thousands of art and craft websites for ideas. You can even google for information on shops that sell the required items in your city - even that is available at your fingertips.  But the ideal thing would be if you have someone around to show you how to begin.

And as you can see, you don't need to be specially skilled. I am not, for sure - and the experts among you can see that my workmanship is not that great, but it is just the urge to create something beautiful that keeps me going!

How to teach your child to read

I have been frequently asked, both by the readers of this blog, and from mothers of Puttachi's friends, about how Puttachi learned to read and write words so quickly.

Since I am no expert, and I have not really "taught" her consciously, I'll just outline our journey together. 

Before that, I must say that I believe that language and word skills, just like any other ability, differs from person to person.  Perhaps Puttachi has that ability, in addition to interest, of course.  Though I don't know what influenced her to get interested in reading, I will list what I think might have helped.

1) I am frequently found with a book in my hand.  A child is naturally curious about anything the parent does, so Puttachi used to come and peek into my book very often, even as a young child.  I guess that at some point, they make the connection that these marks mean something that is obviously very interesting, and that probably induces them to try and find out what it is all about.

2) Once she learned to recognize the alphabet, she would find them everywhere.  Sometimes, she held carrot sticks at different angles and showed me T and Y - so obviously, letters fascinated her.  You could also, if you wish, point out letters in unexpected places - such things excite little children.

3) At about 2 or 3 years of age, Puttachi did not know English, and so when I told her a story from an English book, I kept it open for her to look at the pictures, and told her the story in Kannada.  But sometimes, I would point out a word to her, a word that was exciting in the story.  If the story had, '"Help!" said the lion,'" and if "Help" was in bold and a bigger font, I would show it to her, and say, "Look, here is where the Lion is shouting "Help!"  Then she would naturally want to read out the alphabets in the word Help, and then I would follow that up saying, "Huh-Eh-Ll-Puh - Help."

She must have then made the connection, that each alphabet has a sound.  And once this concept enters a child's head, the rest is very simple.

I did this quite a few times - but please note, I didn't do this in a calculated way or as a "I MUST teach her," way.  I just made use of any opportunity that came by to point out certain words to her.

Once she got this concept, she would split words into phonic sounds, in a very exaggerated way, sometimes wrong too, but she did it, mostly to amuse herself.  But that was the basis of learning to spell. 

4) It was at this point that I played word building with her - check out the last incident in this post  -- I think all these little things help put the pieces of jigsaw in the head together - and suddenly - ping! Everything falls into place.

Once she connected all the alphabets to their sounds, the rest was easy.  She learned to spell very soon after she learned to read.

For a child who's learning to read, there are many, many sites that have Reading Games.  Here's one that Puttachi played with for a while. It is simple enough for children to work on their own (do supervise, though,) and gives them a chance to explore their newly learned skills.  It's exciting since it is interactive.  But please beware - too much of it is bad.  Control, control.

5) One thing that a couple of people have asked me is - "Okay, fine, my child knows the phonic sounds and strings the sounds together - she strings the first half of the word, pauses, and goes on to the second half.  But by the time she strings together the second half of the word, she would have forgotten the first half - what to do?"
My answer - Patience.  It will come. Puttachi did that too, and as adults, it is totally incomprehensible to us - how can they forget something that they just said five seconds ago?  But remember, that little head is trying to juggle so many bits of information, trying to use a new skill and concentrating so hard!  Just give him a little more time and he'll do it himself.

One more thing.  If you are actively trying to teach your child the letters, or to read - or anything for that matter, let the child take the lead.  If she wants to explore further, then do it.  If he displays disinterestedness, stop immediately.  Don't push, not even a little bit.  The child will usually come back himself once he is ready, because they really love to learn new things.

But again, please remember that every child has its own pace, and please do not panic if one child has learned something early and yours hasn't.

If you have tips or suggestions about what worked with your child, do leave them in the comments. Any more questions?  I'll try and answer those too.


Edited to add:
Before Puttachi learned to recognize which letters make up a word, she used to split it into sounds - For example, Dog was duh-oh-guh.  Only much later did she graduate to D-O-G.

One more thing, in the very beginning, if she said K-A-T for Cat, I didn't correct her.  I don't know if what I did was right, but I felt that just when the child was learning something with great excitement, it will be wrong to ply her with the idiosyncrasies of English, and undermine her confidence.

A couple of weeks later, I would say something like, "Yeah K-A-T cat sounds correct, but you know the funny thing?  It is C-A-T Cat.  In English C has the "K" sound too, right?" And then we would laugh about how strange English is.  In a few days, she caught on and started asking me - "Amma, for Kangaroo, is it K or C?"
That way, she didn't lose confidence before she gained it.

Like I said, some might disagree with this approach, and I am open to listen if you want to tell me why! :)