Getting your child to speak to you about her day

"How was school today?"

"Fine."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

Does that sound familiar? Exasperating, no? But how do you get kids to talk about their day?

Some time back, I read a list of questions that you could ask kids so that they open up to you about school. The questions in that link is a good start, but you can evolve what works best for you, depending on your child's age and interests.

I juggle questions, mix them up, ask some more than I do others, but here is an example of some of the questions I ask Puttachi:

- So what made you laugh today?

- Did you see anybody do something kind today?

- Tell me what the worst moment was for you today.

- Did you feel scared?

- Did anybody bother you today?

- Did you help anybody today?

- Did anybody help you today with something?

- Was the teacher happy or upset with anybody from your class today?

- Did anything make you angry/annoyed today?

- Did anything make you happy today?

- What was the best part of your day?

- If you could change one thing about today, what would it be?

Btw one question that ALWAYS gives me an enthusiastic response is this:
"Did anybody get hurt at school?"  Because somebody always falls down or hurts themselves during play break, and children are utterly fascinated by bruises and scratches and falls.

And when children open up about something, you can follow up on it the next day. For instance, if the child has told you yesterday, "Mr. M spoke sharply to D because he was disrupting the class." Today you can ask, "Was D better-behaved during class today?"

These questions are also a good way to reinforce kind behaviour. For instance, when Puttachi tells me, "G was crying today." I ask her, "Did you try to find out why, or did you say or do anything to her to make her feel better?"  That way, Puttachi knows what is expected of her.

Another thing is, when she starts speaking about her day/emotions/feelings, I try not to interrupt her for any reason. I allow her to retain the flow, though sometimes it is tempting to stop and correct her pronunciation or language, etc.

I'd be interested to know if you've tried something that works for you,

Our collection from Lalbagh

When you go on walks with your children (no matter how old) do be ready to pick up tree-related things you find on the way, and take it home. But very, very strictly - no plucking things off plants and trees. It's good fun to try and find out what they are. This is our Lalbagh loot for today.

Here, we have a Cassia pod, a pod from an elephant ear tree, some figs, a prickly cone from a Monkey Puzzle tree, and some other things that we are yet to identify.

Starry-eyed

What--or who--makes your child go starry-eyed? For instance, as a child, I think I used tolook up to writers. To me, they were of a fabulous species descended from the skies.  From what my mother says, I guess that for her, it was musicians. Some go gaga over sportspeople, superheroes--we all have a category of people that we look up to, to put it mildly.

I've wondered what worked for Puttachi. But I know what it is not - writers. Though she loves and devours books, writers for her aren't some unknown species sitting on some pedestal churning out books by magic. She actually knows, and has met many of the authors she reads. In fact, if I hand her a new book, she says, "Is it by one of your writer friends?" or if I'm looking for a book online, she saunters up and asks, "Looking for a book by one of your friends?" Writers for her are commonplace. Nothing to get all excited about.

So what was it?

I found out unexpectedly. One of my latest writing projects involves my interacting with scientists and researchers. When I speak about them to Puttachi, she drops everything, and listens, eyes shining. If I tell her that I shouldn't be disturbed for half an hour, since I have to call up a scientist, she says, "Really? Boy or girl? What is his name? What does he work on? Is he famous? All over India? Is he world-famous?"

If I take a quick call in front of her, she hangs around me, ready to do my every bidding--only if I'm talking to a scientist. She brings me a book to take notes in, scurries about finding a pen, and makes space on the table for me to place the book on, and then hangs around, mouth open, excitement on her face.

Usually, if I tell her that I have an urgent mail to reply to, and could she be quiet for two minutes, she doesn't listen. But now, she says, "Are you replying to a scientist?" and she goes completely quiet.

It amuses me no end--especially because though we do talk a lot about science and stuff at home, I don't recall talking about scientists per se, or praising them, or speaking of them in high regard--ok, perhaps I do, in some context or the other, but not, you know, specifically in a way that would have brought about this kind of respect in her eyes.

I have no idea where it comes from! But I like it!

Day 29 - Growing shoots in a glass jar

I remember doing this project in school - we'd lined a glass jar with cotton, and placed seeds between the glass and the cotton, and moistened it everyday.  Great way to see how a seed grows into a plant. Puttachi and I had started this last week.  We got back after 4 days in Mysore, and to our surprise, the shoots have, well, shot up!

 

Check out the roots!   This one is Rajma.

It took just about a week to ten days for the plants to grow so much from seed. We'd "planted" rajma, white peas, moong beans (hesarukaalu) and black chickpeas.  The fat stalk is the rajma plant, and the one with the tiny delicate leaves is moong. 

 

If you haven't done this with your children already, do it! It is a great way for them (and us!) to observe the sprouting, and the development of shoots and roots. 

Day 18 - Our children's safety

The news of a six-year-old who was raped 1) in school 2) by teachers 3) in broad daylight has driven parents crazy with fear and worry.   School, we always think, is absolutely safe - and suddenly we are not sure of that any longer. 

Day by day, the story is getting more horrifying.  This report made me cry.  To think that teachers, attendants, doctor, and the management - everybody knew about it, but sat on it for a week, and nobody thought of raising the alarm, telling the parents?

And the school is actually washing its hands off of all the responsibility?  How inhumane can we get?  While the rapists are direct perpetrators of the crime, the school, and all those people involved are equally culpable, and there is absolutely no excuse to let any of them walk away from this, unpunished.

Is there anything we can do other than feeling helpless?  The first step is to educate our children about CSA. If you haven't done this yet, please do.  There are several resources online to help you speak to your child in a way appropriate to his/her age. In this case, though, even if the child knew about CSA, she would've been helpless.

Rightfully, we should have strict security measures in all schools, and stringent background checks for the staff.  But that is easier said than done.  So we as parents have to do whatever we can to equip our children to be safe.

Also, tell your kids that it is okay to scream.  Loudly. And tell them that they don't owe blind obedience to teachers or anybody else in authority. And tell them that they should avoid going into any place alone.  And if anybody wants to take them away to a secluded place, they have to protest.  Again, loudly. 

I can't think too clearly right now, but this is what I thought of, off the top of my head. 

Please pitch in with comments, if any.
 

Healthy competition?

My article that appeared in the Feb 2014 issue of Complete Wellbeing is now online. In this article, I attempt to understand if there is any such thing as "healthy competition," and whether competition is necessary for children.

I am interested in your views on this.

The link to the article.

What to do this summer.... and a book review.

Don't want to send your kids to summer camps, but at a loss about how to engage them during the holidays?  Here's a link to my article in today's DH Living on what to do this summer. 

In the article, I've touched upon the importance of unstructured time for children.  This article speaks more in detail about it.  Do read.

If you're an aspiring freelance journalist, I highly recommend the book "Everything you wanted to know about Freelance Journalism" by Kavitha Rao and Charukesi Ramadurai.  My review of this book is up on Women's Web.

I'm back from a lovely little vacation.  Pictures and write-ups coming up next week.

 

Another first

I like firsts.  Though I've had a Kannada article published in Sudha ages ago, this is the first time an article has been published in a glossy English magazine, complete with a picture of mine.

Check out the February issue of Complete Wellbeing magazine, for my parenting article, "Healthy Competition - an oxymoron?"

The article is not available online, I'm not sure if it will be, but I will let you know if it is.

Btw, this is the photo which inspired this post.


Edited to add:  The article is now online at this link.

Day 28 - Unconditional love.

Before I go on to the subject of the day - please read my story "The Connoisseur" published on Women's Web.  It is a short story, less than 500 words long, written entirely in dialogue.  Comments welcome!

***

We know that we love our children unconditionally.  For us, it is as much of a no-brainer as is the fact that we do love them.  But, unfortunately, our actions and words don't always reflect it.

I'm not sure if I've written about this before, but this was brought home to me once when Puttachi was about 2 or 3 years old.  We were cuddling, and I just asked her a rhetoric question, "Why does Amma love Puttachi?"
She immediately replied, "Because I am a good girl."
I was aghast.  I said something like, "No Puttachi, I love you because you are you.  You are my daughter, and I love you.  Whether you do bad things or naughty things or good things, I'll love you anyway."

After a few months, in which I repeated this a couple of times,  I asked  her the same question, and then she said, "You love me because I'm your baaaaby!"   And when I'm upset with her about something, she asks me softly, "Are you angry?  Are you upset?  But I know, you love me anyway."

This is what I want for her.  But I also want to be able to show her my unconditional love without using words, just by actions.  But how?

That way,  my parents never ever told us that they loved us. But we knew anyway.  They are really chilled out parents - they accepted with equanimity everything that we did, or did not do.  I have never experienced fear or hesitation telling them about any of my misdeeds.  It is to this that I attribute the total security I feel about facing life.  I know that whatever happens, I can turn to them and they will just accept me for what I am, no questions asked.   It is this feeling of security that I want to give Puttachi too.

But I'm not sure how to do it with actions.  I try, but anyway, I use words too. That's a very western concept - saying it out in words, isn't it?   It doesn't come too naturally,  saying, "I love you, no matter what."  (It gets easier with repetition :))    Anyway, I do it because Puttachi must realize that we love her unconditionally.  We might be upset or angry or disappointed with her, but we'll love her anyway.  She should know it because I firmly believe that a secure atmosphere at home, where the child feels completely and unconditionally loved, is a must if the child should spring forth into the world with joy and confidence.

Your thoughts?

Day 11 - Tiny Habits

There's so much info floating about on how to form habits, and how long it takes to form a habit.  21 days, say some, but recent research says it takes much longer, and varies for different things.

I recently heard about Tiny Habits and signed up.  But the week went awry, and I couldn't complete it.  I intend to sign up again soon, but I have two takeaways from what I read and learnt from it.

1 - To form a  habit, you need to start small.  A tiny step initially seems much more doable than a mountainous task ahead of you.
2 - Using another activity as a crutch to form a habit is really useful.  For example, instead of saying, "I'm going to drink a glass of water every morning,"  if you say to yourself, "I'm going to drink a glass of water every morning immediately after I brush  my teeth"  - you are using teeth-brushing as a crutch after which you'll do your water-drinking, and teeth-brushing is something you do every day, and so that's something you'll not miss, and so you'll not miss the water-drinking either. And soon, the water-drinking will become a habit by itself.

I've been using the second one especially, to do certain activities with Puttachi, and it is helping.

Hope it helps you too.

Day 7 - Bullied in the playground

It's tough to see your child being bullied.  Puttachi ran home last evening, sad-eyed, saying that everybody in the playground was throwing things at her.  This wasn't the first time - Puttachi has been bullied before, by the same set of kids. (6-year-olds, all)   But this time, she was even sadder because one of them was her best friend K, a classmate from school who has moved into our apartment complex recently.

Me: What were they throwing at you?  Are you hurt?

She: No, it was just those small colourful thermocol balls that you find at birthday parties.  But everybody was throwing it only at me.  I tried throwing some back, but everybody, Amma, was throwing it only at me.  I told K to stop throwing, and come with me, but she didn't listen. 

Like I said, she's been targeted before, but this time she was upset because her friend was there too. 

One - I have no idea why she is bullied - she is usually lost in her own world.  Perhaps that could be it - she doesn't actively join the other kids while playing.  And she doesn't really care much for group dynamics - if everybody decides they should do one thing, Puttachi doesn't necessarily go along with them.  I think she doesn't really care, and so she doesn't listen to the "gang-leader" among the kids.   According to K's mom, this is what bothers the leader the most.  And she instigates the others to target Puttachi.

Two - K is a very go-with-the-flow kind of kid.  I can totally understand that she had't even realized that Puttachi was upset.  K has obviously thought of it as a game and gone along with the others.  But since Puttachi is an intensely empathetic kid, she expects others to understand her pain too, and that is obviously not possible. I've tried telling her not to expect it from others, but she doesn't quite get it yet. 

So, she was walking around morosely.  I told her that  K probably was totally unaware that she was hurt, and asked if she wanted to call and tell K how she was feeling.  She cheered up immediately... and called her.  This is the conversation that ensued. 

Puttachi:  K, you were throwing things at me at the park today.  I didn't like it a bit, and I felt very sad.  Why did you do that?

K: But it was just a game.

Puttachi:  But you were all throwing it at me, for me it wasn't funny. 

K: I did not know.

Puttachi:  I told you to stop throwing, and come play with me, why didn't you do it?

K: Did you?  I did not hear you.  Everybody was shouting.  I'm sorry. 

Puttachi:  It's okay.  Please don't do it again next time okay?  I felt sad.

K: Ok I won't do it again. 

Puttachi:  Next time when everybody is throwing things at me, will you play with me?

K: Yes

Puttachi: Ok, bye, good night!

Puttachi felt much better after this conversation. But I later learnt that K was very upset about it.  She called again after a while, and apologized again, the poor thing.  

But I know this is not the end.  Puttachi will be bullied again, and she'll be upset again.  How do I handle it without getting involved, or how do I teach her to handle it?

Any ideas/suggestions?

"Shame, shame"

One of my favourite sights is that of little girls, toddling around in short frocks, their frilly underwear peeking from underneath.  But very soon (far too soon) as the little girl grows, it stops being acceptable.  The moment an inch of her panties are exposed, people stand around, and apply a look of disgust on their faces and chant, "Shame-shame."

Around the time Puttachi was about two  years old, I started putting shorts underneath her frocks so that she wouldn't get sand in her underwear at the park.  I later realized that this served another function too.  She could jump, and twirl, and turn somersaults, and do whatever it is that little children must do, without people crowding around and shaming her with the shame-shame chant.

I detest that "shame-shame" chant.  See, I understand the need for making children realize that certain parts are private.  But that is what they are - private.  Not shameful.  These are beautifully evolved, highly functional parts that help us excrete, egest and reproduce.  Why on earth should one be ashamed of them? Why should we express disgust at the underwear that covers them?

I struggle to inculcate in Puttachi the concept of which parts of the body are personal and private, in view of educating her about child sexual abuse. I have to remind her again and again about what is private and what is not.   If I had gone with the shame-shame strategy, it would have worked immediately.  She wouldn't have nonchalantly  lifted her shirt to show any random person the mosquito bite on her tummy (which she would have done until recently.)

But I think it is worth it.  It is not likely that she is going to be ashamed of her own body.  It is not likely that she is going to be like the mortified little child who went into hiding because an outsider accidentally saw him in his underwear.

I think it is essential to make that distinction between shameful and privacy, and teach our children accordingly.  What do you think?

Bega-bega!

This link - The day I stopped Saying "Hurry up"  reminded me of myself. I have spoken about this before, that I sometimes feel like a monster who can only say the words "Bega Bega Bega!"  (Quick!)  I sometimes joke to Puttachi that the word I say most often in a day is "Bega."

I wrote that two years ago, and things haven't really changed much.  Puttachi is still a dreamer.  And I still have to hurry her.  When I am hopping and looking at the time and fretting that it is getting late for school, Puttachi still wants to instruct her eldest doll daughter (in doll language, mind it!) to look after her younger doll daughters.   When I am tearing my hair out that she will get late for badminton class, she still wants to dance and watch her shadows move.  When I am hounding her to go to bed and close her eyes bega bega, she still wants to fluff her pillow up and smoothen the covers until they are perfect, and smile at some memory and..... hug me until my ribs ache.

I detest myself whenever I say bega bega but sometimes there is no go.  That's why I haven't put her in any summer camp during vacations until now.  No way did I want to say bega bega to her even during vacations.

But I wanted to try and see what would happen if I didn't hurry her.  A couple of weeks ago, she came back from school, took off her shoes and as usual, entered her dreamworld.   I didn't say anything to her - didn't ask her to go wash up, or change, or anything.  I just continued with my work. I talked to her if she talked to me, but I didn't bother her at all.  An entire hour passed, and Puttachi went on playing whatever she wanted to play, where a scrap of paper became somebody's food, and where a seed was a precious stone....

And then, suddenly, she realized she was very hungry.  And that led her to the realization that she still had to change and wash.  And that made her angry, and, her bad temper got compounded by hunger, and she threw a very rare tantrum.  Finally, I had to calm her down, help her change, and give her food.  That was when I comforted myself with - relax.  Sometimes you just cannot help it.

Things that help me deal with a dreamy child:

1) A structure and a schedule helps her. I guess when her brain is too full of important things like making paper-pulao for her dolls, mundane things like changing, and washing aren't important.  So we decided on a schedule/time table - we call it Step 1, Step 2, Step 3 - which makes her focus and do every task one by one until she is done with all the boring stuff, following which she can drift away to her dreamland again.

2) Sometimes I set an alarm and challenge her to finish all the necessary but boring work before the alarm rings.  She enjoys this race against the alarm.  But not all the time.

3) At times, I have to lure her with a story to get her work done quickly.

4) If nothing else works, I join her in fantasy-land 

What works for you?

Kids and Maids - 2

I have written before about why I am uncomfortable with children being left entirely in the care of maids.  Once again, I reiterate that I know that many people don't have a choice, but yet, I have to stress that leaving kids with maids calls for far more monitoring than is currently done, from what I see.

Here's another incident. Puttachi's friend K was visiting, and both of them went to the park to play.  There, a child X, of the same age as Puttachi's came out to play, accompanied by her maid.  Puttachi and K were on the swings, and the child apparently wanted to play on the swing too, and there are only two swings..

So the maid came over to Puttachi and said, "Your father is calling, Go go."   Puttachi, with her newfound street-smartness, said, "No, I can't hear anybody, I won't go."  But K got up and said, "Let me go and look."  The moment K got up, the maid caught hold of the empty swing, and the other child came running and sat on it, and both of them laughed and laughed at K.

K felt sad, and Puttachi felt sorry for K.  So she also got off her swing, and they went to play the seesaw.  No sooner did they sit on the seesaw than X said she wanted the seesaw.  So the maid  came over again, and said, "Really Puttachi, your father is calling."  Puttachi refused to believe her, but K again said she would go and see if it was true.  Puttachi asked her not to go, but K got off.  Sure enough, the maid came running, caught the other end of the seesaw and tried to get X to sit on that end.  But Puttachi was angry, and she sat down hard so that the other end of the seesaw was up in the air and wouldn't come down low enough for X to sit on.  Meanwhile, K came back, confirming that indeed, nobody was calling for Puttachi.

So this maid lied to and cheated another child to get X to play whatever she wanted.  So what is X learning?  I have already noticed a sense of entitlement in that child.  Added to it, she is being told that cheating to get your way is okay.

Puttachi told me, "Can you believe that that aunty did this, Amma?  When  you want something, you have to ask politely. I would have given her my swing in a while if she had asked me.  Instead of that she lied to us."

I'm troubled by this.

Tiger mother, Mouse mother

A couple of years ago, this article made big waves on the parenting scene. - Why Chinese Mothers are Superior.  The piece is an extract from the book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" by Amy Chua.  All of a sudden, everybody was talking about it, there were reams written about the horrendous parenting style of this lady and people were wondering how her children are even normal.

I read all the opinions.  Buried amidst all the negativity was a review which suggested that this one article is not all that the book is about.  That made me want to read more, and finally, last week, I read the book.

Amy Chua is a second generation immigrant from China, living  in the US, married to an American, and raising two daughters in the Chinese style of parenting.  First thing I learned - this book is not about parenting.  It is just the story of a mother trying to bring up her daughters with the parenting style that she herself grew up with.   Second, unlike the provoking title of the excerpt - "Why Chinese mothers are superior" - nowhere in the book has the author said that Chinese parenting is superior. She has frequently brought out contrasts between Chinese and Western parenting, but that's it.   Third - and most important - she has been very honest about how this style of parenting worked with the first daughter and backfired with the second one.  In fact, this book is about the mellowing of Amy Chua's parenting style.

So, the title of the excerpt on WSJ, combined with what the excerpt was about - made  Amy Chua very unpopular indeed (And I'm pretty sure it didn't hurt the book's sales!)

I am not going to endorse the Chinese way of parenting, because I don't agree with that kind of authoritarian parenting.   It strives on pushing the child to achieve its highest potential, trying to bring the best out of the child,and going all out for it, even if it involves strict discipline and unquestioned authority and rote learning. But I could totally understand that kind of parenting, and the Chinese belief that children owe them everything, and demanding unconditional filial love and devotion.  That's very Indian in nature, so I could "get" it, but was still able to view it dispassionately.  I can understand why Westerners, on the other hand, find it horrifying.

But what the book did for me was make me think.  Sometimes about things totally tangential to the main topic.

1) The author says that western parenting assume fragility, while Chinese parenting assumes strength in the child.  This is something that really made me reconsider my approach to several things in connection with how I bring up Puttachi.  S, that way, is tougher with  her than I am - he assumes strength, I assume fragility.  (Less than some others do, but still.)  Perhaps believing that your child can do something (but not pushing, just aiding) can actually give the child confidence, enable her to actually do it?  I'm sure, yes.

2) Amy Chua believes that you will have fun at something if you are good at it.  So, until you become good at that thing, she says, you have to work really hard until you reach that level where you start having fun.  This is why, she says, she pushed her children to practice music for hours everyday, whether they wanted to or not. [They are terrifying overachievers, btw]  How do you know you will like it unless you try and stay with it until you are moderately good at it?  That Is her line of thinking.    That extreme pushing, of course, I don't agree with, but this concept of - you have fun when you are good at it - and you've got to stick with it for a while before you quit - it is something to think about. And maybe apply in our lives. How, where - yet to be seen.

3) For her daughters' music, Amy Chua went all out.  Making them learn from the best teachers, pouring money and time and effort into it, commuting long distances if need be, even taking along the instruments on vacation (and booking hotels with pianos so that the daily practice doesn't cease)- and practicing during vacations even if it meant not being able to see the sights,  practicing into the nights, again and again and again, until every note is perfect....
This kind of dedication is something totally alien to me.  If I want something, I stretch a bit - and if I don't get it, I give up.  This is totally, absolutely wrong.  I know it, and people had told me all along that what I do is wrong, but reading this book somehow gave me the wake up call.  Again, not to the extent as in the book - that is extreme.  But to a certain extent, such dedication is a must if it is something you believe in and want to get better at.  S has this ability to stretch and then stretch more and keep stretching - and he makes me do it also sometimes, which annoys me because that is not my nature.  But for anybody to become even remotely good at something, this is necessary.  And now that is something I just ought to incorporate into my life. I have suddenly started worrying that I am passing on this laid back attitude to my daughter.  I hope she has S's nature, but meanwhile, it is time for me to wake up and brush the dust off myself.

Anyway, everything else aside, the book was a witty, funny, honest, sometimes scary account of life in Amy Chua's houehold.  It was an enjoyable read.  [Btw, here is her response to the comments on that original excerpt ]

Day 28 - Spirit

People who know Puttachi well know that she is very cooperative, which has worked very well for me.  But there was one aspect of her cooperative nature which has worried me for a long time.  And it is this - she doesn't resist much to anything, doesn't put up too much of a fight.

Here is an example of a regular occurrence at the park, when she was younger.  She is about to climb the steps of the slide, and someone comes, and asks her to move aside.  She dutifully moves, lets the other child go before her, and then she climbs up.  Or worse, the other child pushes her, and she frowns, her face crumples, but she doesn't fight back.  If she is on the swing, and some other child aggressively asks her to get off the swing, she climbs down without another word.

And except when she was physically hurt, she didn't seem to be affected by it at all.  

And if I convinced her about something being good for her, she would accept immediately.  That also worried me - why doesn't she protest even a little bit?  Am I doing something wrong?   Here's something from an old post of mine - a conversation on the way to an ice-cream shop

Amma, I want pink ice-cream.

Okay.

Amma, will there be pink ice-cream?

          I don't know, let's go and see.

If there is pink ice-cream, I will feel happy and eat it up, but if there is no pink ice-cream, then I will see which ice-cream they have, and I will like it (ishTa maDkotini), and eat it up. 

Should I rejoice that this child knows the secret of happiness? Or should I worry that she is going to become too accommodating and compliant?

We had once been to someone's house, and the lady of the house gave her child and Puttachi some snacks in two bowls - one blue, one purple.

Puttachi: I want the purple one.
Other child: No, I want purple.

The lady gave her child the purple one and said, "See Puttachi, blue is also nice."

Puttachi said, "Yes, blue is also nice," and ate from the blue bowl.

The injustice really bothered me.  Now, there are two things here - one, Puttachi laid claim on the purple bowl first.  Second, the bowls are at the other child's disposal, and the child can eat in that bowl even later.  So if it were me in the lady's place, it would have been a no-brainer.  I would have convinced Puttachi that the other child had dibs, and that Puttachi could eat in the purple bowl even later.   In fact, such things did happen at our place, and Puttachi had compromised several times.  Now, because people know Puttachi's nature, they take advantage of it and she has to compromise even when she has first rights?  I was very upset.  But Puttachi didn't seem to be bothered.  Later on, I asked her casually if she had wanted to eat in the purple bowl, and she said, "Yes, I would have liked it, the purple was so beautiful, but blue was also okay."

Or could it just be a kind of maturity?

 Puttachi:  Amma, am I taller or is X (her friend) taller?

Me: What do you think?

She:  I know I am taller than her.

Me: okay.  (Puttachi is taller, but I don't want to make these things an issue, so I don't offer any comment.)

She:  But X keeps telling me that she is taller.

Me: So do you tell her anything?

She: No, I don't.  I just let her think she is taller.  I know I am taller, so I just keep quiet.

If only she retains this wisdom even in the future...

Or is it just that she avoids confrontation?

Whenever I worried, my friend M would tell me "Perhaps that is Puttachi's strength."  Yes, perhaps.

But come on, some kind of resistance? Tantrums? Anything?

I'm glad to report that she is finally showing that spirit that I had always wanted her to show.  On one hand, she is still accommodating, empathetic, understanding, and kind..  On the other hand, she has started recognizing injustice, and she reacts appropriately to it.  The other day, some kid shouted at her to get down from the swing, and she stood up, put her hands on her hips and said, "Ask nicely.  Even then, I will get down only after five minutes.  Wait for your turn."   Few things have pleased me more!   I realized that this is what I wanted, and this is what I was bothered about.  I did not want her to take things lying down, but stand up for herself.  Not to compromise.

I'll keep you updated on this  journey!

Day 22 - Raising smart, independent girls

One of the most important - or shall we say, the single most important thing about raising little girls is to get them to be independent.  Society is full of overt and subliminal messages about the suitability of women being meek and submissive and dependent on somebody else for their life's decisions and happiness.  It is very hard to fight against the current.  But, bit by bit, little by little, we have to.

Puttachi is completely into dolls and babies, and much of her play revolves around her dolls getting married and having babies .... but yet, when she was watching Brave, where the queen tells Merida that all girls should get married, Puttachi said, "That's so silly.  We should get married only if we want to.  And we should have babies only if we feel like."  I relaxed.  As long as she knows that..... :)

Similarly, the way we talk to girls, the stories we tell them, the role models we point out to them - all this matters in what they think of themselves and their abilities.  And this holds good for boys too!  Responsible parenting of boys involves raising them to respect women and believe in their abilities.  Because, just as girls are exposed to society's messages, boys are too!

A Mighty Girl shares a lot of links to news of smart, independent girls who make a difference in their own lives, and the lives of people around them.  They point to books and movies that portray girls and women in a positive light, and show that girls can do anything that they want to.  They also link to articles that show how to talk to girls (and to boys too) so that they all grow up with a healthy respect for themselves and their abilities, and that of the other sex.

Please share other links, resources in the comments. Thank you.

Day 20 - Detective Daughter

One of the great things that S does with Puttachi - he gets her to answer her questions herself.  He guides the way, of course,  and suggests what questions she should ask in order to arrive at the answer to her original question.

He has been doing this ever since she was very small.

For example, I say, "Come on, let's go to Ajji's house."
And she says, "Which Ajji?"
My instinct would be to answer immediately.

But, S doesn't do that.  He says, "Think, Puttachi. Which Ajji's house could it be?"
She looks confused.
S: Where is B Ajji's house?
She: Far away.
S: So if you go there, will you come back tonight itself?
She: No, I'll probably stay the night, because it is very far and by the time I reach, it will be dark already.
S: Right.  So if you have to stay overnight, what will you need to do?
She: I have to take my clothes, toothbrush....
S: Correct.
She: (looks around) I don't see anything around.. Amma hasn't packed any bags.... meaning we are not going to B Ajji's house.  That means we are going to V Ajji's house!
S: Correct!

This, I have found, is a great way to get her to be curious and to think for herself.  The above was just an example, but S does it for every single thing.

To add to it, Puttachi was a fan of Slylock Fox when she was younger, and typically, the father-daughter team would solve it together every Saturday morning.  After that, she gets kicks from deducing things on her own, and glows when I call her "Slylock Fox"

A simple example - "Amma, I saw you buying Palak yesterday, and you are making chapatis today, and I know there is paneer in the fridge, which means we are having Palak-paneer today with chapatis!"

This week, I brought the book Bumbletown Detectives from the library, and it involved deduction based on visual clues - and she loved it so much that she wants to keep it for a few more days! I think she'll love a treasure hunt - my aunt had arranged one for her when she was three - I simply must get over my intertia and organize one for her now, with some complicated clues. I'm sure she'll enjoy it.

In short, I believe that this habit has helped her think and question and deduce and analyze better, which is always a nice skill to have, isn't it?

Try it out!  If not anything else, it is fun!

Day 13 - Body Beautiful

When I was trying to understand the source of the pain in my foot, I did a bit of reading on the structure of the human foot.  I was highly impressed.  What a marvellous feat of engineering! (Yes, I'm talking about the foot.)  Its structure, flexibility, its ability to bear so much weight - it is nothing short of wonderful.   And it got me thinking.  How often do we look at our feet and whine about their ugliness, or about how tanned they are, or how misshapen our toes are or how wide our feet are, and all along, the foot  is an elegant body part that does so much work for us.

But that holds good for everything - we are the result of thousands of parts of our body working well in tandem - our stomach, our heart, our kidneys, lungs,  intestines, little glands that we haven't heard of but are vital to our well-being, our brain (Our brain!  I've been reading VS  Ramachandran's "The Tell-tale Brain" and it makes mysteries and thrillers fade in comparison.)  - so many beautiful parts in  perfect harmony.

This magnificent body of ours, working so hard, and so smoothly, to enable us to - whine about how ugly that very body is!

Ridiculous, or what?

Hair too dry, nose too blunt, eyes too wide, skin too dark, legs too fat, lips too thin, breasts too small, teeth too crooked, tummy too flabby - all we can think of is what's on the outside, and we feel inadequate.   Why?  Because we are aiming for a standard of beauty that is never within reach.  Never within anybody's reach.   Movie stars, who are supposedly supremely beautiful, go in for nose jobs and chin reconstructions and tummy tucks - what does that show?  Nobody can truly be happy with whatever they look like, if they try to strive for some silly standard of beauty!  Such a waste of time and energy!

But that is not all!  We transfer that feeling of inadequacy to our children too!  Look at this beautiful letter a daughter writes to her mom.  Heartbreaking.  But that story is playing out in millions of homes all over the world even now.  

What do I hear you say?  That even if we don't give our children these wrong ideas of beauty, they will get it from outside anyway?  From peers, and from the media?  Yes, they will.  It is inevitable.  But if you inculcate into them a healthy sense of respect for their bodies,  maybe they will be grounded enough not to be too swayed by those images that the media thrusts at them.  Just maybe. Worth a shot, right?  If we start throwing at them false notions of beauty right from childhood, then the poor things don't have a chance at all. 

Look at this wonderful incident. This is what we should be telling our children. That their bodies are beautiful.

But I know, easier said then done.  I'll finish writing this, get up, catch a look at myself in the mirror and cringe at how frizzy my hair is.  That's called social conditioning.(and the lack of hair conditioning, in this case.)   Who said that frizzy hair is ugly?  Why is it supposed to be ugly?  That's what I am trying to get at.

Trying to look beyond all these notions of beauty is hard, but we can do it.  It is just not worth the agonies that women, and even men, go through every day.  And more importantly, we owe it to our children.  Let them, at least, grow up free from the constricts of these silly notions of beauty!

Day 7 - The downside of loving to read

I have written before about my love for reading and how it eclipses everything else in my life.

The issue has come to the forefront again, with Puttachi getting hooked to books.  One part of me exults, because it means that entire worlds are going to be opened up for her, she'll never be bored if she has a good book with her, and as long as she remembers to take a book with her, no wait will ever feel long or boring.

But the other part of me worries that it will take over her life as it has mine.

A few weeks ago, I had taken her along with me to the doctor, and there was a long wait ahead.  She had a book with her, and so she didn't whine even once.  She read her book, and she was content.  When she was younger, I would have had to keep her engaged, tell her stories, convince her that there aren't many people ahead of us, device games, and still she would get bored and restless.  Yes, even if I had taken one of her books with us, and read to her from it.   Now, this reading by herself is apparently so interesting that she doesn't even remember that I am by her side, which leaves me free to ready my own book!

On the other hand, previously, she would look at everything around her and ask questions about it.  What do those boards say?  Why is that person in a wheelchair?  Why do they have a picture of bones here?  Tell me about these bones.  Why does this clock not have a second hand?  Why is this building built this way and not any other way?  What is the name of the flower we can see outside?

Isn't it important to know about the world around her?  Is it right that she gives up her curiosity about what is around her, for what is in a book?

And then there is another issue.  She has lately started preferring to read than go out to play in the park. Honestly, she has never been a completely outdoors person, and there have been many times over the years when she has preferred to stay at home and play with her toys, or paint, rather than go to the park.  Which is ok.   But now, she has yet another reason to want to stay at home.  And this bothers S, who is a very outdoors-loving person, and who believes  whole-heartedly in the power of fresh air and sunshine, and the importance of physical activity.  I believe in that too, but I can understand Puttachi's wish to read that book rather than go to the park, because I am like that too.

By getting lost in the world of books, are we missing out on our own world?

I've got to try and steer Puttachi to a middle ground - but is that fair on my part?  Drawing her away from something she apparently enjoys so much?  

Any thoughts on this?