Day 1 - Voice recording of a story

So it's been six months, and it is time for me to jump into the fire again with A-post-a-day on my blog.  So get set - here's to 31 posts in July :)

I'd shared the link to a story "At the wedding" recently.  You can now hear it too. 

The editors asked me if I would read out my own story, and my first instinct was to say no.  But S told me to give it a shot.  Even then, I was hesitant.  But S convinced me to at least try it out.  So I did.

I read it out three times first, to see if I'd get the emotions right.  And then, I recorded it - in one single take.  All 13.42 minutes of it.

And yes, I haven't stuttered even once.  So yes, this has been one of the highlights of my recent life.

So here is the link again.

Day 30 - Self-esteem, stuttering and romance.

Just happened to read this excellent article - Why should disability spell the end of romance?  The writer of the article started losing her vision in her teens, and writes among other things, about dating and romance for "disabled" people, and "nondisabled" people's views on the marriage-worthiness (or rather, the lack of it) of disabled people.

Many, many of her experiences were familiar to me.  Though I'm not "disabled" (I don't like that word!!) I stutter, which was enough for scores of people to decide that I wouldn't have much choice in choosing my partner when it came to marriage (that is, if someone would deign to marry me!)

In school, some classmates would pair me with another classmate who stuttered, saying, "perfect pair!"  and laugh and laugh.  "Come on, you'll be right for each other!" they'd say.

 Several times, in school and college, when it came to light that, say, X had a crush on me, even if X was not a very palatable character, some would urge me to "consider."  Would these well-wishers of mine have "considered" X for themselves?  Not in a million years!  But I?  I should consider him, because, you see, I had trouble getting my words out, and so I was less-than-worthy, and I would have to settle!

But all these comments didn't affect me.  On the contrary, I just looked at these people with a kind of exasperation mixed with sympathy.  But what was it that made me so confident about my worthiness?

For one, neither my family, nor my close friends ever made me feel I was different, let alone less-worthy.  It also helped that I was good at a lot of things, and this little matter of the stutter, though it gave me heartache at times, didn't really come in the way of my appreciation of myself.   Besides, during my teens, at the time when this self-esteem thing is so fragile, I actually had a little fan-following of my own, and many of the guys in this group were excellent, "eligible" fellows, some of them even quite "sought-after" by other girls.  [And I wasn't even "good-looking," if you are inclined to think that these boys were bowled over by my looks.]  As a result, very early on, I became aware that the fact that I stuttered didn't really matter to those who mattered.  And I went ahead with my life, and when I found S, neither did he "settle," nor did I!

But not everybody is as fortunate as I am, in terms of the people in my life, and in terms of how my life shaped out.  There are people struggling with their image and self-esteem, and it just doesn't help that "non-disabled" people are so inconsiderate in their comments.  The article I linked to speaks of several such incidents, and deals with a number of topics.  It is worth a read, and eye-opening on many levels.

P.S. Forgive me for all the phrases in quotes.  It is just that I don't like those phrases, but they are so appropriate for what I wanted to say!

A question for you

I need your help on this post.

I want to ask you a question - some of you mailed me and commented on the last post, that you admired me.  And some of you mentioned how you wouldn't have imagined, by reading my blog, that I stutter.

My question is - Why?

Why do you admire me (in the context of my stuttering)?  Why do you think I am a brave person?  Why is it that you cannot believe that I stutter (having known me only through my blog?)

Is it because you feel that I am doing well for myself, am happy and content, despite this "disadvantage" that I have?

Do you feel that it is laudable that, despite having faced laughter, derision and teasing in my childhood, I have yet turned out to be comfortable with myself?

What picture do you have of someone who stutters?  Awkward, diffident, unsocial? Inept? Stupid?  Boring?  Irritating?

Why do you think my writing and the fact that I stutter don't quite gel?  Is it because my writing is confident while the picture you have of a person who stutters is not?

You can be totally honest.  If you want, you can choose to be anonymous too when you comment.  It is perfectly fine, whatever you say, because I know that the media has given us certain stereotypes and we all fall prey to stereotypes.

I need to know this - because I have something in mind, something that I might choose to reveal sometime in the future - and for that, I need to know exactly what you feel about stuttering and about people who stutter.  Do you know anybody else who stutters? What has been your impression about the person?

Please comment! Thank you :)

How to react when you meet a person who stutters

I was watching Satyamev Jayate this weekend when a blind person narrated how people don't address him directly, but ask the people with him what HE wants.  If you are thinking it has something to do with eye contact, it isn't.  Because this happens to me too.

For example, we've gone for a test at a lab.

Receptionist: Name?
Me: Sh-sh-sh-Shruthi.
Receptionist:  (Immediately turns to S) Age?
S: (Looks back pointedly and blankly at receptionist.)
Receptionist: (Back to me) Age?  (Avoids eye contact)
Me: (Answers.)

Of course, it is not pleasant to listen when somebody stutters, so people might find it comfortable to talk to someone who doesn't stutter.  But they don't realize that it can be really insulting.  I have had  people pushing a pen and a paper at me, thinking that I'd rather write my question to them than say it aloud.  You are not being helpful, people!  You are being insulting!

I know people are in a hurry, I know not everybody knows what to do when faced with someone who is not able to get words out easily.

If you're wondering whether you'll fare well if you come face to face with a person who stutters, it's simple.

1) Remember that the person in front of you is a functioning, intelligent individual, in complete possession of all his senses.

2) Don't be helpful and try and complete sentences, or suggest words. 
e.g.  "I bought this in K-k-k-"
You: Koramangala?  Commercial street? Kanpur? Kerala?

3) Let them finish at their own pace. 

4) If you did not catch something that they were saying, don't just nod and go ahead.  Ask them to repeat it.  They will also have realized that the word did not come out quite clearly, and they will repeat it for you.  If you pretend to understand, you will be caught out later, and it will be embarrassing for you :)

5) Sometimes, the facial contortions that accompany stuttering can either alarm or amuse people, as I have seen.  More of amusement.  Don't hide your smile behind your palm, or pretend that you are laughing at something else.  That's really silly!  As if we can't make out!

6) When you are faced with a person who stutters on the phone, it can be difficult to realize that the silences on the other end are not because of problems in the network.  And because of the lack of eye-contact, several people who stutter find it more difficult to speak to strangers on the phone.  Once again, as soon as you realize that these are not technical interruptions, follow the same guidelines as above. 

7) What to tell your children - if your children ask, "why does she talk like that?"  Say whatever you want - that some people find it difficult to speak easily  - but don't make it a taboo thing like "Don't ask her, don't mention it to her, shhhh.."  A stutter is nothing to be ashamed of, and the child should not get that idea.

These are not too difficult, are they?  Just common sense, I would think.  Be natural.  And don't worry, because honestly, most of the people I know, and who have turned from strangers to friends - have all reacted perfectly naturally to my stutter.  I can usually pinpoint the exact moment of enlightenment in their eyes when they discover that I stutter, and that is perfectly okay!  It is what happens after that - that separates the wheat from the chaff!

One more thing, don't hesitate to bring my stutter up in our face to face conversation.  I am not embarrassed or touchy about it (I used to be, but not anymore.)

Any questions, bring them on.   And now that this series has kicked off, I'll probably say more about it soon.

Myths and Stereotypes about Stuttering

There was an article How to curb a stammer  in Deccan Herald Living Supplement.   The author is supposedly a professional, but the article is filled with myths and stereotypes about stuttering and people who stutter.

I was very angry, doubly so because it is professionals such as these who should spread awareness about stuttering, and instead, he is propagating nonsense.  I wrote this letter to DH:

I read with dismay the misleading article on stuttering "How to curb a stammer" in today's DH Living.  The author suggests that low self-esteem and low confidence leads to stuttering.  This is one of the several myths and false perceptions that exist about stuttering and people who stutter.  Stuttering could possibly lead to low self-esteem and low confidence because of the insensitivity of people, but the converse is not necessarily true. 

The article also refers to stuttering as a "handicap."   It also perpetuates the same stereotypes about stuttering that ought to be dispelled by professionals like the author himself.  Misinformed articles like this perform a disservice to people who stutter by desensitizing people further.

Shruthi Rao.

It was not published.

So I thought I would take this up on my blog - because as a person who stutters myself, I have had it up to here with insensitivity towards people who stutter (PWS). 

In the article, the author says:

1) "Stuttering is a handicap."  It need not be a handicap.  Simple and plain.  I feel that labelling stuttering a handicap automatically creates negativity in the minds of PWS.  While it might be true that there are certain professions and situations where having a stutter is a disadvantage, there are many PWS who have gone beyond this disadvantage to achieve what they want to.  And PWS who are already wallowing in the depths of the misery of not being able to speak fluently, need to know this.  That life is not the end if you have a stutter.

2) "Stuttering is caused by low confidence and low self-esteem."  Like I said in my letter above, this is not true.  While it is still not certain what causes stuttering, making a generalized statement like this only serves to reinforce stereotypes, as well as give parents and teachers of young children especially, the wrong idea. 

Guess what, I started out thinking I'll tackle this man's article line by line.  But turns out that when I look at it that way, I will have to reproduce his whole article and tell you what is wrong with it. 

But suffice to say for now:

1) Nobody knows what causes stuttering, exactly.  We only know what possibly aggravates a stutter. (And it differs from person to person)

2) Just because people who don't usually stutter, tend to stutter when they are nervous and anxious or scared, it is assumed that people who stutter are by nature nervous and anxious and shy and not confident.  That is not true.

3) Stuttering might cause a person to become less and less confident.  But low-confidence doesn't necessarily cause stuttering.


4) PWS are not less intelligent or less capable in any way than people who don't stutter

5) A person who stutters severely can be happy, healthy individuals with fulfilling careers or happy childhoods, leading a contented life, with lots of friends, and with great relationships.   They can even be miserable and unhappy.  But this holds good even for a person who doesn't stutter. 

I'll probably do more posts on this topic soon, but I've got over my anger and dismay over that misleading article, and so I will stop now.