Day 12 - We, the Judgmental

For centuries, we've stood at our doorsteps and passed judgment on the goings-on in our streets. Now the whole world is our street, and there is no dearth of subjects for us to pass judgment upon.

Take for instance, the BBC dad video that everybody is talking about. I am pretty sure you would have watched it already, but here it is anyway.



Every bit of this short video is hilarious. The seriousness of the topic. The carefree toddler skipping into the room. The clueless child rolling in. The supermom sliding in. Even if you tried and planned, you couldn't make such a funny video. Truth is definitely stranger (and funnier) than fiction.

Although the video was largely received with laughter and delight (and commiseration for work-from-home-problems) judgment is being passed on the family. That the dad ignored the child, that the mom looked terrified, that the children were mishandled, that this is patriarchy at work, and what have you. [It is also worth noting that many assumed she was the nanny, and not the mom. Care to analyse why?]

Seriously, all of us, sitting at our desks on the other side of the world, what can we possibly glean from this tiny slice of life? How can we possibly know the workings of their family? Even if we did know, why do we think we have the right to pass judgment on them?

I think that we comment and judge other people so as to feel better about our own selves. We are all after all, struggling with our own lives and decisions and the rights and wrongs, and self-doubt, and any bit of looking down upon others probably make us feel temporarily superior and righteous.

This video is one of the funniest things that have come along in a while, and I for one am going to watch it till I squeeze out every bit of laughter from it.

How to explain to children about people being gay

In the wake of the Orlando shooting incident, I'm reading a lot about people being worried about how to "explain" to their children about people being gay. Just wanted to tell you how it came about in our house.

Puttachi had been asking to know who the voice of Dory was (this was about 2-3 years ago) and so I pulled up Ellen DeGeneres on Wikipedia. There was a picture of her with Portia De Rossi.

Puttachi: Who is this?

Me: She is Ellen's wife.

Puttachi: What do you mean, wife? Ellen is also a girl.

Me: Yes, usually, women get married to men, but there are some women who like women, and get married to them. 

She: And are there men who like other men and marry them?

Me: Yes.

She: Oh, okay.

That was IT. "Oh Okay."

I think children can understand and accept anything. Later on, of course, she raised other questions, about what they'll do if they want babies, etc., but I dealt with her questions one by one, as I do other "non-problematic" questions. And she is totally fine with the whole concept.

So I do think that you shouldn't worry about what children will think.

While on this subject, I must tell you about this fabulous, uplifting movie, called Pride, based on true events. It has outstanding performances. I recommend it highly. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pride_(2014_film)

Day 22 - When your story touches a chord.

It is always lovely when people let me know that my story has touched them.  Different people are moved by different stories, and it is interesting to see who is touched by what, and why. It is also fascinating to see how people interpret the stories.

My recent published story, Interlude - was no different. Some liked the format, some interpreted it as saying that family comes first, and some assumed it was my own story.

But what was different about this story was that within hours of my posting it on FB and on this blog, at least a dozen women mailed me to tell me that it is the story of their life.   And with each mail, I felt a little less alone, but a little more depressed.

Yes, the story is entirely fictitious, but it is also true that several times during Puttachi's early childhood, I wished I could take a break.  Not much - I didn't want to go away on a vacation - but I would feel this urge to go and sit under a tree in Lalbagh for the entire day. (Never got to do it, though)  So the seed of the story is true - the urge to get away - but the rest is fiction. 

And many women identified with it.  Enough to tell me that it was as if I was writing about them.  That they felt I was looking into their heads. 

And though that flattered me as a writer, as a person, it saddened me - to think that there are so many women out there who are feeling bound and frustrated in their roles.  Some of the fortunate ones get over it, we find things to do that make us feel better - but think of the millions of women all across the world who feel this way and have nowhere to go!

And I wonder if the people around these women are even aware that they are feeling this way.  If they do know, would it be better for the women?  Would it make a difference?  Or not?
 

Day 20 - Yakshagana - Girl power!

We'd been to a Yakshagana performance yesterday.  All the performers were children, below 15 years of age.

Yakshagana performances blow my mind.  The tremendous energy of the performers, the costumes, the makeup, the music, the drums, the dialogues, the dance, the facial expressions - the combination is enthralling - and it has to be experienced to be believed.

South Kanara (a coastal district of Karnataka) has long been the hub of Yakshagana, and it is good to see it thriving in the far-off city of Bangalore.  And it is lovely to see children going in for Yakshagana training, ensuring the sustenance of this folk art.

But there was another thing that made me immensely happy. 

Yakshagana was traditionally performed only by male artistes.  Even the female roles were performed by men.  But yesterday, the lead role of Krishna was performed by a 13-year-old girl.  She happens to be the daughter of the director of the academy in which the kids learn Yakshagana, but yet!  To see her on stage, so confident, so uninhibited, so skilled, performing with an abandon that most dancers can only dream of - her performance sent thrills down my spine.

Here are a couple of pics.  Please excuse the picture quality - by camera phone isn't the best.

 

I hope more girls break more barriers!

 

An aside: My story "The Awakening" made it to the DNA-Out of Print Short Fiction shortlist.

 

Day 13 - A pleasant change

We'd been to a six-year-old girl's birthday party today.  For a change, it wasn't a Disney princess or Barbie or Dora party.  There was no pink, no purple.  There was no cutesy stuff.  No frilly frocks.  No little girls wearing uncomfortable, shiny, toe-pinching, high-heeled shoes.

It was a football-themed party.  The kids were asked to go in comfortable shoes.  Which translated to comfortable clothes.  So the kids looked like they had come out to play in the park.  They kicked footballs, ran around, and jumped up and down, and scored goals.  Even the cake was a football-field cake.

And remember, it was a little girl's party. Such a pleasant change.  And the girls were behaving just like little girls, like this ad.

Come on, parents of little girls, get more creative in your choice of themes!  There is life beyond princesses and fairies and Barbies and Dora!

Day 8 - What Really Happened

My friend Madhu has taken the 100 Happy Days challenge on her blog - and she's started writing about what made her happy that day. Yeah, yeah, old stuff, you're thinking.  But she has got a USP, according to me.  Along with what happened, she's also writing about "What Really Happened."

Take a look at this to see what I mean.

One of my pet peeves is what people put up on social media.

All those lovely little moments we put up for the world to see are a few sparkling drops distilled and filtered from the huge cups of dirty water that our lives are all about.

Behind pics of idyllic beach holidays there might be lost luggage, missed connections, mosquito bites, skin-chafing sand, family flare-ups and indigestion.  Behind pics of cherubic babies are sleepless nights, endless diaper changes, post-partum blues.  Behind pictures of couples in love there possibly is mudslinging, name-calling, jealousy, all-night-crying.

Similarly, behind every publication that I brightly announce on my blog, there is endless rewriting, editing, disappointment, frustration, rejection.  And behind every aww-invoking incident of Puttachi that I write about, there are tantrums, and worries, and negotiating, and balancing...

The only thing we see about other people's lives are the bright, happy parts, and we feel miserable, wondering why our lives are not one big party.  So whenever we feel overwhelmed by looking at what seems like other people's good fortune, it'll do us good to remember that there is a "What really happened" story behind it. 

Day 7 - The ultimate irony

Superstitions and irrational beliefs should rightfully be fading by now.  But it seems to be on the rise. 

"Scientists" performing nonsense rituals.  Otherwise logical and intelligent people going totally blind when it comes to "culture" and "heritage" and following outdated customs.  Fake godmen, fake medicines, fake everything - tricksters capitalizing on the gullibility of people, and taking them for a ride, and people willingly going with them!   

Who was it that said, "You should have an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out."

I just don't understand it, and it always fills me with dread and sorrow, to put it mildly.

But the ultimate irony was this piece of news I read yesterday. 

Dr.Narendra Dhabolkar, who was shot dead last year, was a rationalist.  His murder is still unsolved.  And now, the Pune police are resorting to séances to find out who his killers are. The very unproven mumbo-jumbo that Dhabolkar fought against.

I wish it is a joke.

Day 29 - The Glorification of Busy

Being busy has become a status symbol these days.  People wear it as a badge of honour.  "Oh I'm sooo busy" is a measure of how worthy you are, how successful your life is.

When I say that S comes back home early from work, and we play badminton, and he plays with Puttachi, brushes her teeth and puts her to bed - I am doing the poor man an injustice.  I should say, "Oh, he gets back early, but then he has call after call - he is busy the whole evening and into the night - even his weekends are full."  That is the measure of true success, you see.

But why?

This article resonated with me - The Busy Trap.

Busyness serves as a kind of existential reassurance, a hedge against emptiness; obviously your life cannot possibly be silly or trivial or meaningless if you are so busy, completely booked, in demand every hour of the day.

 ......

I could see why people enjoy this complaint (that I'm too busy); it makes you feel important, sought-after and put-upon.

In a conversation with my aunt recently, she said, "People think that being busy is an aim in itself, but I thought that the point was to be busy enough to earn a living in as little time as possible, and then spend the remaining time in creativity and self-improvement, and enjoy life."

*Cue - Bow deeply thrice in said aunt's direction.*

I couldn't have said it better.

I'm not saying that one shouldn't be busy.  Life is short, after all, and there are so many things to do - so fill it up by all means - but why has busyness become so exalted?  I get many compliments about how I "keep myself busy."  Questions are also framed that way, when people realize that I don't go out to work - "So how do you keep yourself busy all day?"   Why should I keep myself busy?  Why should not being busy make one a less important person?  What if I choose to fill my days pottering about  my house doing nothing, and totally enjoying it?

Let's stop glorifying the business of busyness!

Day 19 - Losing weight

A couple of years ago, I lost weight.  Just a couple of kgs, but apparently, it showed up as a drastic slimming, especially because I was not plump to begin with.   The weight loss wasn't planned, it just happened.  And now, since the last six months, I've apparently lost another 1 kg or so.  

So why all this weight talk?

Because everybody who meets me, greets me with comments that range from "Haven't you lost weight since the last time we met?" right up to "Oh my God, what happened to you?  You look positively sick!  Oh my god, have you visited a doctor?"  And they hold my hand as if it is the last time they're going to meet me.

I laughed the first few times, but then it really got to me, and I got worked up and actually visited a doctor.  After the doc had laughed at me a bit, she prescribed tests, and thankfully all the results were normal.  But that didn't solve the problem, because everybody I meet has something to say about my weight.

I am not getting tired, I am not falling sick.  I eat well.  On an average day, I cook, clean, do the chores, run errands, pick up and drop Puttachi from school (walking,) go walking/do yoga, play badminton, and read and write and attend to Puttachi's needs - and I don't feel unusually tired at the end of the day, and I think that means I am alright.

And now, I am becoming conscious.  I was never conscious about my looks, except perhaps in my teens.  But now, I look into the mirror and think, "Am I looking thin?"  And I hate that I am doing this.  In fact, it has gotten so bad that when I learned that I have to attend a get-together this week, I cringed thinking of the number of comments I have to hear about my weight, and I started thinking about what to wear so that I look plumper.

This is so not me.  And this is something I have to overcome.  I have no idea how, though.

Day 10 - The pleasure of being at the receiving end of good customer service

Yesterday, I took my sister to a shop that sells utensils and kitchen items.  I've been visiting this shop ever since my mom-in-law introduced it to me a few years ago.  It is always a pleasure to go there.  The salespeople are friendly, polite and they know their stuff.  They show you whatever you want with patience, digging out things from storage if necessary, and they don't show annoyance if you cannot make up your mind.  They pitch in with their opinion in case you are confused about something, but give you the space to think it out and make a decision.  If you just want to browse, they don't follow you around like a shadow, but they are immediately at your elbow if you have a query.   They are smart salespersons too - they are clever at suggesting appropriate items related to your purchases.   It doesn't stop at that.  The cashiers are friendly too.  They wear pleasant expressions, are professional and polite.  And all this is beside the fact that the shop stocks a large variety of things, and are also very enterprising when it comes to fixing things, or repairing loose handles, or replacing missing knobs on your idli stand, or providing you with the right fittings if you are buying a gadget to take abroad... you know, the works.

Now you would think that these attributes are a must for a successful commercial establishment.  But the funny part is that there are so few shops like this!  Bored-looking or lazy salespeople, surly cashiers, moody proprietors, lackadaisical sales skills, a laid-back attitude towards customers are so much the norm that the shop I talked about comes like a breath of fresh air.

And this is not even a posh establishment - just a local shop, with local people speaking your language, and being almost neighbourly with you.   I am not talking about the "Good morning, how can I help you today" kind of clinical politeness, and artificial friendliness.  This seems like a natural, inbuilt desire on the part of the shop to help the customer get what she wants.

Is this really so difficult to achieve?

Edited to add: The shop is Sarathy, in 3rd block Jayanagar. [Website]

Kids and Maids - 2

I have written before about why I am uncomfortable with children being left entirely in the care of maids.  Once again, I reiterate that I know that many people don't have a choice, but yet, I have to stress that leaving kids with maids calls for far more monitoring than is currently done, from what I see.

Here's another incident. Puttachi's friend K was visiting, and both of them went to the park to play.  There, a child X, of the same age as Puttachi's came out to play, accompanied by her maid.  Puttachi and K were on the swings, and the child apparently wanted to play on the swing too, and there are only two swings..

So the maid came over to Puttachi and said, "Your father is calling, Go go."   Puttachi, with her newfound street-smartness, said, "No, I can't hear anybody, I won't go."  But K got up and said, "Let me go and look."  The moment K got up, the maid caught hold of the empty swing, and the other child came running and sat on it, and both of them laughed and laughed at K.

K felt sad, and Puttachi felt sorry for K.  So she also got off her swing, and they went to play the seesaw.  No sooner did they sit on the seesaw than X said she wanted the seesaw.  So the maid  came over again, and said, "Really Puttachi, your father is calling."  Puttachi refused to believe her, but K again said she would go and see if it was true.  Puttachi asked her not to go, but K got off.  Sure enough, the maid came running, caught the other end of the seesaw and tried to get X to sit on that end.  But Puttachi was angry, and she sat down hard so that the other end of the seesaw was up in the air and wouldn't come down low enough for X to sit on.  Meanwhile, K came back, confirming that indeed, nobody was calling for Puttachi.

So this maid lied to and cheated another child to get X to play whatever she wanted.  So what is X learning?  I have already noticed a sense of entitlement in that child.  Added to it, she is being told that cheating to get your way is okay.

Puttachi told me, "Can you believe that that aunty did this, Amma?  When  you want something, you have to ask politely. I would have given her my swing in a while if she had asked me.  Instead of that she lied to us."

I'm troubled by this.

Day 29 - Outrageous prices

Saturdays are always difficult in terms of writing.  Something is always happening, and there isn't much time to sit down and think of something to write about.

Besides, I've spent all my available time enjoying the music and the amazing liveliness of this random video

We had been to watch Man of Steel today, and before that, we were loitering around the mall, and I played a little game I play with myself when I am jobless - check out an outfit, guess how much it is priced, and then check the actual price.  Today, I found a cotton frock in Puttachi's size.  It was well-tailored, good cloth, and I thought ok, considering the label, about 1000 bucks.  I checked and it was nearly 5000 rupees.  5000 for a frock.  The last time I was so surprised was when I lost my way and found myself in an upmarket store in UB city.  I picked up a handbag and said, "4500 for this?  I can get it for 450 in 4th block!"  And S said, "Check the price again."  I checked, and it was 45000.  I fell over backwards.  (Not exactly, but I did crash into the nearly invisible glass door on my way out.)

People who actually pay money for these things - even if they can afford it, why would they?  Are brands really that important to them?  I feel really sorry for them, actually.

Day 22 - Raising smart, independent girls

One of the most important - or shall we say, the single most important thing about raising little girls is to get them to be independent.  Society is full of overt and subliminal messages about the suitability of women being meek and submissive and dependent on somebody else for their life's decisions and happiness.  It is very hard to fight against the current.  But, bit by bit, little by little, we have to.

Puttachi is completely into dolls and babies, and much of her play revolves around her dolls getting married and having babies .... but yet, when she was watching Brave, where the queen tells Merida that all girls should get married, Puttachi said, "That's so silly.  We should get married only if we want to.  And we should have babies only if we feel like."  I relaxed.  As long as she knows that..... :)

Similarly, the way we talk to girls, the stories we tell them, the role models we point out to them - all this matters in what they think of themselves and their abilities.  And this holds good for boys too!  Responsible parenting of boys involves raising them to respect women and believe in their abilities.  Because, just as girls are exposed to society's messages, boys are too!

A Mighty Girl shares a lot of links to news of smart, independent girls who make a difference in their own lives, and the lives of people around them.  They point to books and movies that portray girls and women in a positive light, and show that girls can do anything that they want to.  They also link to articles that show how to talk to girls (and to boys too) so that they all grow up with a healthy respect for themselves and their abilities, and that of the other sex.

Please share other links, resources in the comments. Thank you.

Day 16 - Feminism

Feminism is just common sense.  A sense of equality and justice, and the belief that what holds good for one, holds good for the other.

Thankfully, the impression that feminists are rabid, crazy creatures, is fading now, with more and more people, both men and women, proudly calling themselves feminists.  

But, being brought up in a conservative and patriarchal society like India, feminist ideas don't come naturally to most of us. Some beliefs are so steeped in our psyche that to step aside and look at those ideas anew, you need a trigger, or else, you need someone to plant the seed of a new outlook in your head.  Sometimes, it is just some random thing that encourages you to question what you've always believed to be right.  But once you start thinking and questioning, your world will expand by leaps and bounds.  It can be painful at times, to realize that what you have been taking for granted is fundamentally flawed.  But it can also make you happy, and free. 

If you wish to look, there are hundreds of people writing beautifully about such topics all over the internet.  But if you are lost, let me show you a good place to begin - IHM's blog.  It is a great go-to spot for issues relating to the Indian context.  I urge you to explore the archives too.  You'll also find resources, and links, and you'll be taken to the blogs of other people writing about women and patriarchy and misogyny and feminism.....  and once you are attuned to this way of thinking, you'll start questioning things yourself.  

Let me know how it goes.

Day 13 - Body Beautiful

When I was trying to understand the source of the pain in my foot, I did a bit of reading on the structure of the human foot.  I was highly impressed.  What a marvellous feat of engineering! (Yes, I'm talking about the foot.)  Its structure, flexibility, its ability to bear so much weight - it is nothing short of wonderful.   And it got me thinking.  How often do we look at our feet and whine about their ugliness, or about how tanned they are, or how misshapen our toes are or how wide our feet are, and all along, the foot  is an elegant body part that does so much work for us.

But that holds good for everything - we are the result of thousands of parts of our body working well in tandem - our stomach, our heart, our kidneys, lungs,  intestines, little glands that we haven't heard of but are vital to our well-being, our brain (Our brain!  I've been reading VS  Ramachandran's "The Tell-tale Brain" and it makes mysteries and thrillers fade in comparison.)  - so many beautiful parts in  perfect harmony.

This magnificent body of ours, working so hard, and so smoothly, to enable us to - whine about how ugly that very body is!

Ridiculous, or what?

Hair too dry, nose too blunt, eyes too wide, skin too dark, legs too fat, lips too thin, breasts too small, teeth too crooked, tummy too flabby - all we can think of is what's on the outside, and we feel inadequate.   Why?  Because we are aiming for a standard of beauty that is never within reach.  Never within anybody's reach.   Movie stars, who are supposedly supremely beautiful, go in for nose jobs and chin reconstructions and tummy tucks - what does that show?  Nobody can truly be happy with whatever they look like, if they try to strive for some silly standard of beauty!  Such a waste of time and energy!

But that is not all!  We transfer that feeling of inadequacy to our children too!  Look at this beautiful letter a daughter writes to her mom.  Heartbreaking.  But that story is playing out in millions of homes all over the world even now.  

What do I hear you say?  That even if we don't give our children these wrong ideas of beauty, they will get it from outside anyway?  From peers, and from the media?  Yes, they will.  It is inevitable.  But if you inculcate into them a healthy sense of respect for their bodies,  maybe they will be grounded enough not to be too swayed by those images that the media thrusts at them.  Just maybe. Worth a shot, right?  If we start throwing at them false notions of beauty right from childhood, then the poor things don't have a chance at all. 

Look at this wonderful incident. This is what we should be telling our children. That their bodies are beautiful.

But I know, easier said then done.  I'll finish writing this, get up, catch a look at myself in the mirror and cringe at how frizzy my hair is.  That's called social conditioning.(and the lack of hair conditioning, in this case.)   Who said that frizzy hair is ugly?  Why is it supposed to be ugly?  That's what I am trying to get at.

Trying to look beyond all these notions of beauty is hard, but we can do it.  It is just not worth the agonies that women, and even men, go through every day.  And more importantly, we owe it to our children.  Let them, at least, grow up free from the constricts of these silly notions of beauty!

Day 9 - TED

Another boon of the internet is the access we have gained - to people, places, and most of all, to ideas.

"Ideas worth spreading" is the tagline of TED, which I think is one of the greatest things available on the internet today.  Superlative, uplifting, inspiring, thought-provoking talks by amazing people on all kinds of topics - it broadens your mind and expands your horizons.

I'm sure you've all watched some TED talk or the other, but if you  haven't, (or even if you have), this is a good place to start.   You can even google for "Top 10 TED talks" or "Most-watched TED-talks" and then one will lead you to another, and before you know it, you'll be hooked.

These talks aren't too long - less than 10 minutes, some around 20 minutes - you can watch them instead of watching TV, for instance.  When do I watch them?  When I'm having lunch, when I'm folding a heap of laundry - and most often, when I am engaged in that very boring but necessary task of cleaning and processing green vegetables.  Sometimes, if I need a break from work, or cooking, or if I just need to sit down, I watch a TED talk.

It is so heartening to see the kind of things going on in the world, to come to know about the latest ideas and research and technological developments that is happening out there.

You can listen to renowned scientists and writers and engineers and artists and performers.  You can listen to some great talks on education.  Or you can be quietly, but equally inspired by unknown, lay people from remote corners of the world who are silently making a difference in the world.  Like the Afghan girl who speaks about secretly educating Afghan girls, or a 13-year old Masai boy who created a solar-powered device to scare lions away. 

Every time the news in the papers sickens me, every time the cheapness, perversion and corruption of humans starts to get to me, I turn to TED talks.  They offer me solace, inspiration, and restore my faith in humanity.

Losing their way...

I attended an Indian classical music concert after ages.  An all-night one at that (and we lasted the night.)

The concert boasted of big names, and there were some pleasant surprises, but on the whole, I was very disappointed and depressed after the concert.

Many of these artistes, in an effort to display their expertise in music, indulged in what I can only call musical acrobatics.  As a result, the melody and the quality of music was compromised.  At the end, it was more of noise and cacophony than anything else.

I have a similar grouse against literary writers.  They are so eager to show what great command they have over the language that they use flowery writing and grandiose words and the result is that it distracts one from the flow of the story.  While I am reading a book, if I stop to think, "Wow, how did he think up such a  turn of phrase?"  or worse, "Just a sec, what exactly did she mean to say with that complicated combination of words?" - then that book is a failure to me.  There are many writers out there who insert brilliant phrases and descriptions without breaking the flow of the story, or without making you stop to wonder what that was all about.  Oh yes, some writers do make me stop and catch my breath sometimes, but only to say, "How beautifully she said that! I totally understand and relate to that."  That - That is what makes a book a success.  Blend your cleverness into the story.

I recently came across some discussions of some latest movies too - someone said that the technology and the computer graphics is the star of the movie, and it doesn't have much going for it in terms of a story.

Why are we losing sight of the main intention?  When did the tools that was supposed to be just aiding you, become more important than what you set out to do in the first place?

Speaking out

At a wedding a few years ago, a doting grandfather carrying a one-year-old boy in his arms was doing the rounds, showing off his grandson.  "Look at this," he announced to one group, and turned to the little boy, who could barely speak, and said, "Joru maaDu!" (Loosely translated, this means, "Show authority/aggression!"  And the little boy said, "Ey!" in a threatening tone, and the grandfather looked around proudly as the group oohed and aahed and pinched the boy's cheeks.  It was absolutely sickening.

This child will grow up thinking that this aggressive behaviour is something to be proud of, and before anybody realizes it, he's being threatening and rude to his parents, and then years later, when he is somebody's husband, he's going to throw his weight around just the same way.  And if the wife turns out to be the little girl who had been watching the little boy when he was being fussed over for his display of aggressive behaviour, she will accept it, thinking it is but natural.

This aggressive behaviour is nurtured by society as a symbol of manhood and masculinity.  The sensitive side of little boys is beaten out of existence with repeated chidings, and phrases like "boys don't cry," "crying like a girl."  Decades of repressing emotions result in an explosion of rage and violence and aggression in later life. (Worded well in this blog post.)  This rage, this violence can take the form of short temper and intolerance, to road rage, to child abuse, and right up to, yes, rape.

With a multitude of voices rising against rape and all that goes to constitute a rape, people are becoming aware that it is not just the rapist who rapes a person, it is the entire society.  Every person who indulges in misogynistic comments, every person who laughs at sexist jokes, every person who propagates patriarchal society - everybody is responsible for every rape.  And  yes, you and me, we are included.  Rape is rarely about sex alone.  It is about control, rage, domination, punishment.  And what gives a person the right to think that he is superior to another being, and is therefore vested with a right to control and punish?  This society.  You and me.  Directly, indirectly.  Every time we said something that made divides deeper.  Every time we looked the other way when stereotypes were being repeated ad nauseum.

Not being a rapist is not enough.  Don't let yourself off so easily.  There is more we all need to do.

But what?  We hear utterly stupid and atrocious quotes about women and rape, by the so-called people-in-charge, and spiritual leaders - these people who wield so much influence on so many people...... and amidst all the anger and outrage these comments evoke, there is also the unmistakable stench of frustration, and desperation - that, you know what?  These are not the utterings of some random, misguided, handful of people.  These people are speaking from years of societal conditioning, and for every leader who thinks this way, there are lakhs of people who think the exact way.

The scale is too large, too immense to fathom.  It feels like a losing battle at times.  How will you try and make them understand?  How will you unravel the tight binds of those years of patriarchal and misogynist attitudes that pervade our society?  It is very frightening, depressing.

And behind it all, one burning question keeps asking itself - how are we going to protect our children in such a world?

What can we do, as an individual?  We can do many things at many different levels.  If you are so inclined and accordingly qualified, you can and must get involved in the changes, in the reforms.  Maybe you can join in the protests to show what a voice we have.  Maybe you can work with rape survivors and help them cope, get back to normal life.

But we all know that the changes  have to start from within.  From around us.  The change has to be wrought in the mindsets of people who cannot think in any other way.  But how will you do it?

One simple way - is to speak up.  Speak out against any act of misogyny, patriarchy.  Any act that objectifies women.  Any argument that trivializes women.  Any joke that portrays women in generalized, jaded terms, terms which are unflattering to women, and which only serve to deepen the bias that people have against women.

It is difficult.  It is exhausting.  I know.  There have been many times when I have been too tired to speak out, or have avoided getting drawn into an argument because of lack of time.  Sometimes I have backed out just because I have felt that it is not going to be of any use.

I know, it seems too small a step to change this large a phenomenon.  But who was it that said, paraphrasing "He is making the greatest mistake who does nothing because he fears it is too little?"  Who knows?  Your voice might just have an effect.  Your voice might be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  We need to speak out.

Oh yes, you might be termed a killjoy.  But we have remained in our comfort zone too long.  It is time we spoke out.

Child Sexual Abuse Awareness Month

April is Child Sexual Abuse Awareness month.  

My daughter is a very affectionate child and willingly hugs even people that she has met for the first time and spent just an hour with (if she likes them.)  That is something about her that people find very sweet (and I do too.)  But yet, somewhere deep inside, it worries me.  How do I teach her her limits without scaring her off?

And I worry that since she knows that people love it if she hugs them, does she hug them even though she is not comfortable?  Sometimes, we encourage her to hug, because, come on, hugs are beautiful, and there can never be enough of hugging.  But what if she thinks hugging is the norm?  Should we stop encouraging her to hug people she doesn't know too well, even though we know them well, and she's spent time with them with us around? 

I really don't know. I have no idea where to draw the line.  I don't want to throttle her natural desires.  I guess I can only rely on her good sense, and teach her to respect her body, and be firm about not doing anything that she doesn't want to. 

And if at any time she doesn't want something done to her (hugging, kissing, tickling, even if it is by us, her own parents) then we simply must respect her wish and withdraw immediately. 

And if she ever displays discomfort or hesitation when somebody else is pinching her cheeks or kissing her or pulling her towards them (in our presence) we must not chide her, worrying about what the person will think.  We must encourage her to draw away, if that is what she wants.  And if the person is offended, it is up to us to say something like, "Perhaps she doesn't feel like it, let her be."  For our children, we are the ones they can trust unconditionally.  And if they don't find support when they need it, well..... what do I say?  That's one of the worst situations for a child to find itself in.

With this kind of support, she will realize that she has complete right over her own body, and that she has the final say in it.  And that is perhaps the only way she will learn to respect her body.

Am I being too paranoid?  In this issue, there is probably nothing like being too paranoid.  We as parents must be totally aware and alert about everything that there is to know about child sexual Abuse.

Unfortunately, CSA is more common and prevalent than we think it is.  And a child who has been abused can in some instances, be scarred for life.  So what do we do?  How do we handle it?

The site  or this app  has many pointers and lots of information.  I urge you to spend some time there.

But I will collate all the information that I have gleaned from my study.

Teach your child (both girls and boys are at equal risk.  I'm just using "she" here for convenience.)

- Give your child the Good Touch Bad Touch talk. An example website (there are many more)

A Good Touch - is something that makes you feel good, feel happy.
A Bad Touch - is anything that doesn't make you feel comfortable.

- Tell the child about where it is inappropriate to touch and be touched. 

- In an age-appropriate way, the child must be introduced to the private parts, and must be taught that only certain people are allowed to touch those parts, and that too, only to keep it clean and healthy. 

- She must be taught that if someone needlessly asks her to take off her clothes, she mustn't, and if someone takes off their clothes in front of her, that is wrong too.

- If someone touches her inappropriately, she must immediately stop them, or scream, or run away, and not be with them alone, ever again.

- If anything untoward happens, she must tell her parents immediately. 

- Even if the abuser says that it is a game or a secret, she simply must tell her parents, come what may.  No secrets should be kept from parents.  And this should be literally drilled into the child.


For the parents:

- Unfortunately, child abusers are most often known to the family -  known and trusted.  So you have to make the right decisions about whom to leave your child with.  Preferably, not alone with anybody, and if it is inevitable, drop by unannounced from time to time.

- Keep a watch on your child's behaviour - any behavioural change must not be ignored.

- If the child does come and tell you about an incident
  - react with concern, but remain calm.
  - do NOT react with disbelief.  That could be the worst thing you could ever do.
  - Take action immediately.  Apathy is dangerous.

Please share your tips, and spread the awareness. 

Playing only to learn?

What's with toys and games nowadays?  All of them come labelled with what benefits can be derived by playing with them.  Develops visual-spatial skills, increases left-brain performance, fine-tunes hand-mind coordination, enables pincer grip in readiness for writing in school, enhances counting and strategic skills....

Hello, what happened to playing for fun?