Tuesday, December 12, 2006

It's all in the name.

It seems to be the season for weddings - and as usual, discussions drifted towards how the marriages happened, and as usual, it took me back to my childhood to that very eventful life of the township I grew up in.

When we were kids, we knew about two kinds of marriages. "Arranged" marriages and "Ooooh" marriages. "Ooooh" meant "Love". Because, back then, "Love" was a taboo word. None of us children even spoke that word out. If anyone did, it was met by a series of "Oooooh"s. I still can't get over the fact that we were such little prudes just a couple of decades ago... and the children of today are familiar with such words, that if I have to use them in my blog, I will have to take the help of special characters.

Anyway, we kids were fascinated with the concept of "Ooooh" marriages, and somehow, peer pressure had convinced us that it was a "Cheee" thing. My mother once scolded my friends and me for such utter silliness, so we stopped saying "Ooooh" for "Love" - when my mom was around.

Well, so, when somebody pointed out that so-and-so had gone through an "Ooooh" marriage, we would look up at the offender with a look that was a mixture of fascination and contempt. This phase lasted just a couple of years, thankfully.

But what were these marriages, anyway? The definition was simple. Arranged marriage was when the parents and relatives scoured the land for a suitable "match" and compared horoscopes and "fixed" the wedding, and the couple dutifully got married.[In later years, the couple had an increasing veto power over thier parents' choice]. Love marriage was when the couple met, liked each other, decided to get married and then told their parents.

But soon I discovered that sub-categories had come up when I was not looking. Like once, when I told Y that X's was a "Love" marriage, and she now lives with her parents-in-law. X looked at me like I had horns growing out of my head.
She said, "How is that possible? It must have been an Arranged marriage."
"Oh no it wasn't. They met at their workplace".
"Then it must be a Love+Arranged marriage".
"And what is that?"
"When the couple falls in love, decide to marry, and tell their parents, and the parents accept and get them married."
"Oh really, and then what happened to the simple Love marriage?"
"That is when a couple fall in love, but the parents are against it, so they get married without the parents' wishes, and it usually involves a break with one or both the set of parents."
"And what if one set of parents is fine with the marriage, and the other set isn't? What is that called?"
"That is still a Love+Arranged marriage, but some explanation has to follow".

Then I met a friend who had got engaged a while ago. I asked him how his fiancee was doing, and he gushed and blushed.
"You know, mine has turned out to be a love marriage".
I was horrified. I had visions of his poor fiancee crying her eyes out when this guy was running off with his "love".
"And how's that?" I asked.
"You know my fiancee, don't you? Our marriage was decided by our elders, but after our engagement, we met very often, and guess what, we have fallen in love! It has turned out to be an Arranged+Love marriage!"
"Hurrah for you! But just out of curiosity, what do you call a marriage which is Arranged, but the couple fall in love after the wedding?"
His face made it clear that he wanted no difficult questions to come in the way of his celebration, so I quickly moved away.

Then there is this other kind of marriage, where a friend of mine and her colleague decided that they enjoyed each other's company, and that since they belonged to the same community, and they had no other love interests, why not raise the issue of a wedding with the elders? So they got their horoscopes matched, and they, well, matched, and they were married. So, I asked no one in particular, what is this marriage called? Technically, it was arranged not by the parents, and technically it wasn't a love marriage. Also, what would have happened if their horoscopes hadn't matched? I received no answer.

Ok here is one more kind for of marriage for you to think about. I know a girl who worked in the city. Her parents, looking out for a "match" for her, asked her to meet a certain someone in the same city, and let them know whether she liked him. But within a couple of days, her parents got some information about the guy's family, which convinced them that it wouldn't be a suitable alliance, so they quickly called her to tell her not to bother about meeting that guy. But this girl had already met him, and hit it off beautifully with him, and she stood her ground that if she would marry, she would marry only him. After a long and painful struggle, she had her way and they got married. So what is this called? "Started-out-arranged-turned-into-love-marriage"?

Other sub-categories are welcome - that is what the comments section is for. This could be a good PhD topic in Sociology, you know....

Update: Viky seems to have already conducted research on this topic, and has left a comment with very detailed classification - you just have to take a look at this!


Anonymous said...

Guy likes the girl and eventually ends up loving. Tells the girl he loves her. Girl refuses. Persuades her more, she is stubborn. So he persuades her parents. Parents agree. His parents disagree. Persuades them too. Later they too agree. Girl still don't like him, infact she hates him. But she ends up marrying him as her parents compel her and as she herself has no interests in any other guy, she feels helpless and gets married to him. Now what is this called?
"Half Love- Half Hate-totally helpless - persuaded-then-arranged marriage"..

Anonymous said...

Girl meets guy , both fall in love with each other , she tells her parents, they find a great match in him, Guy tells them he is a widower and a few extra years older than the girl than a usual match, parents hate him now, but the girl decides to marry him and no other and they have a private registered wedding, but the guy wants to live together and announce the marriage to the world only after the girls parents feel ok about him, coz the girl is the apple of their eye, so girl still is with her parents and still convincing her parents.... confising, u find the whole thing crazy.. but this is a true stuff i know of .. i thought i may find a name for this one here!


Anonymous said...

Hmmm.... Are you trying to reflect your current state of affairs? Uh-huh... no pun intended!

Kya pak raha hai madam... yeno vishaya ide...

The Anonymous Poster

Anonymous said...

Shotgun marriage. Girl's parents like guy. They kidnap the guy and get him married to their daughter. Where I grew up, I saw and heard a few of these!

Anonymous said...

Girl meets flamboyant guy X, both fall in love, the true forever type!!, X slacks in studies. Girl chucks him. Parents are aware. Girl moves on and meets rich guy Y who has finished graduation. Y unware of X loves the girl, girl says yes, the true forever type!!. Parents are unaware. Meanwhile girl meets a good guy Z, brilliant and settled. Girl ditches Y. Z (unaware of X and Y) falls in love, girl says yes, again the true forever type!!. Both decide to get married, guy believes they are indeed married!!. Parents are aware. X still calling up the girl and in contact with her mother. Girl in quandary turns hostile. Z unable to understand loses calm. Girl dumps Z, moves on and in look out for #*$&%* (there is nothing after XYZ..)


By Deepa and Supriya said...

guy was definitely in love, the wedding however, was arranged-only because the girl was different! Bloghopped here-nice read :)

Anonymous said...

Yash Chopra/KJ will get more ideas from the comment section...hope he doesn't visit this blog :)

rash_mi said...

Boy and Girl in love. They have a common friend X (male). Boy and Girl constantly have tiffs. They always look upto X to resolve their issues. In the whole process of setting right things, X falls in love with the girl. X proposes, Girl agrees and finally they get married. hee hee he :) Love-Ditch-Love marriage?

Shruthi said...

Anon, I think I know whom you are talking about.. heh heh ... ;)
Nice name, btw!

C, oh man! How about Love-marriage-almost-arranged-but -then-turned-to-secret-marriage and still that way...

Anonymous Poster, Please don't tax your brains that much - I am happily married - this is nothing to do with me :)

Silkboard, wowww this is something new! :)

Shruthi said...

Anon, can I sense pathos here? Phew!

Orchid, heh heh! :) Thanks!

RK, that's just what I was thinking!!

Rashmi, ohh! interesting! - this sounds familiar too, somehow!!

Anonymous said...

I agree with rk yes filmpeople should not steal the ideas. block it shruthi you can charge for each story and a portion can be given to future such proposals and so on
very good write up nice to read so many alternatives still many more to follow watch!!!!!

Anonymous said...

The second anon's (C's) story is quite like the old classic "Guess who is coming to Dinner" (starring Sydney Poitier, well now that i've mentioned, I also say it's a must watch!)

Anonymous said...

Better still, you should sell this to ekta kapoor who will make each one of these into a mega serial lasting a decade.... anyways nice post, have been reading your blog regularly, but my first comment. keep up the good work


Sigma said...

Ah interesting .... I have a couple more to offer (from real life incidients) :-)

scenario 1. Girl and Boy study together in college. Neither has a romatic interest in the other. Due to some stupid reason, the batchmates tease them with each-other's name. Still nothing between them. They pass out. Girl attends some event at boy's side. The boy's parents see her, get aware of the teasing by the friends, send a proposal to girl's parents. The girl says no. Girl's parents persist - there is nothing wrong with the boy. Girl says yes. Dont-love-but-know-each-other-arranged
marriage ?

Scenario 2: Girl and boy are good friends, no romantic interest (again?! how boring!!). Both getting past the "marriageable age", parents pressure them to get married (not each other, of course). A common friend throws up the idea to consider each other. They think over their relationship in new light and like the idea. Girl's parent heave a sigh of relief (that she has finally agreed to marry someone :-) ). Boy's parents throw a fit (coz the girl is from a different community). After a while they come around too.
Suggested-by-friend-then-love-then-arranged marriage ? :-)

I do think you should file a copyright for all the suggestions in your post and comments :-)

Shruthi said...

Praneshachar, the stories are all around us... they don't really need my blog to steal from ;) Thank you!

Rajit, hmmm, yeah kind of... but there there was a more basic issue - colour! Yeah, lovely movie!!

Deepak, Thank you! Ekta Kapoor will find these stories quite boring I must say - there is no "other" person in any of them ;)

Sigma, and I thought I was the only one who came across strange stories! Hmmm interesting :)

Inder said...

boy x is in love with the girl. they are good friends.
boy y is in love with the girl. they too are good friends.
if x hadn't happened, the girl would have happily married y. if y hadn't happened, she would have happily married x.
the girl marries boy z.


Anonymous said...

Oh madam, you are making things look complicated for not-yet-fallen people like me ;-)

Its common for people to ask the preference of un-married guys whether they like it arranged or the 'Oooh' type. The last thing I want is some one to ask me my preference from your lengthy list!!! I'll go short-circuit :-)

Anonymous said...

Shruthi nice write up , i read the BaLeyele oota write of yours and visited your blog and found there are quite a few very good writeup's keep it going... esp being in US fr 2 years now , i am waiting for baLeyella oota again !!!


Anonymous said...

What is a wooden wedding?

Two Poles got married.

Old Fox said...

My friend had a three-ring marriage.

First the Engagement Ring.

Then the Wedding Ring.

Following that, the Suffer Ring!

Raj said...

Ya, till few years ago, it was such a big deal if somebody had a "love" marriage. The lines have blurred a lot now. Nobody can be sure of the category most marriages today would fall. But we always called it love marriage and not "ooh" marriage. :D

Neways, this was a really funny post. There should be a guideline in place to categorize marriages. And this does seem to be the wedding season. Everyone I know is getting married!

Anonymous said...

recently, i came to know one of my friend's friend is getting engaged. the girl is working in the same office. In his house,its only same caste thats allowed, so this fellow somehow got the horoscope of the girl and then proposed to her..what will u call this marriage ?

Viky said...

Spellcheck alert: I asked him how his fiancee was doing, and he gushed and blushed...I had visions of his poor fiancee crying... You know my fiancee, don't you? ...

A man has a fiancee. A girl has a fiance. Chidambaram has a finance. He he :D

Anonymous said...

stories all around but nobody notices them unless somebody put it in form which is readily avilable here. yes if EKTA KAPOOR gets it one plot is enough she is capable of creating the links and carrying to generations. still you register a copy right
you have thrown open a very interesting topic and so many are coming love cum arranged arraned and love..................................
....................so on so on
Half Love- Half Hate-totally helpless - persuaded-then-arranged marriage".......
well said
keep it up

Anonymous said...

lol!! really humourous post.

thank god, in all the above permutations and combinations, we should atleast feel happy that A GIRL IS MARRYING A BOY or vice versa!

Shruthi said...

Inder, Interesting scenario, and spot-on name!! :)

Chaitanya, don't worry, just go with the flow, but afterwards do tell us your story and we will give you a name for it ;)

Nag, glad you enjoyed it! And hope you get the Baleyele oota at the earliest :)

Anon, ha ha! :)

Old fox, ;)

Shruthi said...

Raj, yeah its quite amazing how things have changed - arranged marriages are becoming a rarity!

Anon, first-confirm-then-love-marriage??

Viky, aaah! Accepted! What did I do all these days without spellchecker? :O

Praneshachar, glad you are enjoying it :) If anybody takes my ideas, I will sue them, ok? ;)

Bellur, even that will change in a few years' time :)

Anonymous said...

exactly. in all the above pairs, we must feel happy that 2 people from the opposite sex are marrying!

aside: sardar with his friend in paris. sees a beautiful girl.
he tells his friend: i love her. she is so good looking!
friend: but she is a ***bian.
sardar: what s that?
friend: they are attracted to girls.
sardar: then me too a ***bian.

Anonymous said...

I have one for you, one with the times - Girl advertises online she is looking for a match. She receives responses; narrows the list down and meets a couple of them. They meet a couple of times, talk, discuss about their future, likes, dislikes, whatever and finally decide they can get married. They inform parents and parents perform the wedding. No love, no arranged. What would this be?

Anonymous said...

Very nice funny post. May be post that attracts much of bloggers. I would be surprised if tow bloggers get married. We need not call it blog marriage or anything.. we can coin a new word like 'Blog-riage'

Ha Ha.. Bellur's comment reminded me another joke..

American told sardar : Hamare desh me 90% shaadi e-mail se hoti hai.

Sardar : Kya bath hai. Hamari desh me 100% shaadi female se hoti hai.

Email marriages & Shaadi.com marriage are now very common, I can't call them E-Marriage since it happens in real. I beleive most of the E-stuffs doesn't need the physical presence.

Love-Cum-Arranged marriage ? This Cum has a very funny explanation here. This is when people make the marriage arranged ..
* Arranged-Love-Marriage
* Oath marriages(Parents have given promises to have thier children married types)
* School friend - turned fiancee scenario..(dont know how to state this)
* Departed souls remarriage
* NO-YES-NO-YES- Love Marriage(Bellur's case slightly)
* Perfectly arranged marriage (with the rasna served bride etc,)
* Arranged Intercaste marriage.
* Train-friend-cum-love marriage(they meet in a train,or job interview)
* brothers-sister's- friend- cum-love marriage(very usual...:-))

List grows.!! Mine was the Perfectly arranged marriage, as my dad is a hilter kind when it comes to Marriages :-)

Anonymous said...

It should be read as
I wouldn't be surprised

Shruthi said...

Bellur, good one! I heard a slightly different version, when Santa hears that the girl is a ***bian, he goes to her and says, "I heard you are from ***bia, I am also from ***bia!" ;)

Emma, this already has a name - internet marriage :) How could I forget to include this one! :O

Veena, you seem to have a long list of categories ready ;) But ultimately most of them seem to comfortable come under "Love" or "Arranged" marriage? ;)

Viky said...

When the guy's parents and the girl's parents meet, and arrange the
marriage of their kids, then it is known as an arranged marriage.

When the guy's parents and the gal's parents meet, and arrange the
marriage of their kids, but the kids have the option to say no, then it is
known as an arranged marriage with veto power.

When the guy meets the gal, and they are of same caste, and they decide
to get married with their parents approval, then it is known as the
simple love cum arranged marriage.

When the guy meets the gal, and they are of same caste, and they decide
to get married against the parents wishes, then it is known as the
nuclear simple love marriage.

When the guy meets the gal, and they are of same caste, and they decide to get married against the wishes of one side of the family (bride), then it is known as the nuclear simple love marriage, supported on the groom's side.

When the guy meets the gal, and they are of same caste, and they decide to get married against the wishes of one side of the family (groom), then it is known as the nuclear simple love marriage, supported on the bride's side.

When the guy meets the gal, and they are of different castes, and they decide to get married with their parents approval, then it is known as the inter-caste love cum arranged marriage.

When the guy meets the gal, and they are of different castes, and they decide to get married against the parents wishes, then it is known as the nuclear inter-caste love marriage.

When the guy meets the gal, and they are of different castes, and they decide to get married against the wishes of one side of the family (bride), then it is known as the nuclear inter-caste love marriage, supported on the groom's side.

When the guy meets the gal, and they are of different castes, and they
decide to get married against the wishes of one side of the family
(groom), then it is known as the nuclear inter-caste love marriage,
supported on the bride's side

When one partner meets the other, having seen the credentials on a
matrimonial agency or ad, and they get married, then it is known as the
third-party arranged marriage.

When one partner meets the other, having seen the credentials on a
matrimonial agency or ad over the internet, and they get married, then it
is known as the new-age third-party arranged marriage, or a
shaadi.com marriage. (No offence to jeevansathi or timesmatri.com)

When the guy and the gal get married in an arranged marriage, and then
find each other lovable due to rocking attributes, then it is known as
a love-after marriage.

When the guy and the gal get married in an arranged marriage, and then
find each other uncompatible, but fear the society, then it is known as
a forehead-written-marriage.

When the guy and the gal get married in an arranged marriage, and then
find each other uncompatible, and dont fear the society, then it is
no marriage - ITS A DIVORCE.

When the guy and gal are childhood friends, and lose touch and are
reunited by a stroke of fate, then it is known as a "Manasanta Nuvve"

When the guy and gal are childhood friends, and are together in
college, and one gets feelings when the others' marriage is settled, and then
get married to each other, then it is known as a "Nuvve Kavali"

When the guy and gal meet on a trip of Europe, and move in the fashion
of a nuclear simple love marriage, supported on the guy's side, then it
is known as a "Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge" marriage.

When the guy and gal meet on a trip of Europe, and each is spying on
the other, and then clear the confusion and marry each other, it is known
as the "Hadh Kar Di Aapne" marriage.

When the guy and the gal meet in coincidental circumstances, and end up
fighting with each other, and start loving the fights, and the other
fighter, then it is known as the "Hum Tum" or "When Harry Met Sally"

When the guy and the gal are the siblings of an elder matrimonial unit,
and they get married among a plethora of songs and colourful costumes,
it is known as a "Hum Apke Hain Kaun" marriage.

When the guy and gal marry for convenience, and then find love outside
the marriage and a kid in the house, and then break the marriages, then
it is known as the "Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna" marriage.

When the guy and gal are moving towards any love marriage, but
the guy marries another girl in a simple love-cum-arranged
, and the wife dies, and his daughter convinces him to marry the
first gal again, then it is known as the "Kuch Kuch Hota hai, Rahul, Tum
nahi Samjhoge" marriage

When the guy is a simpleton and is exploited by evil family members,
and the gal marries him to set right the situation, then it is known as a
"Beta" marriage.

When the guy moves towards a simple love-cum-arranged marriage
by being an imposter of the guy in an already set arranged
, then it is known as a "Minnale" or "Rehna hai Tere Dil Mein"

When the guy sees girl A for an arranged marriage, and then
rejects because he has a potential nuclear inter-caste love marriage,
supported on the bride's side
, with girl B, which tends to become a
love-cum-arranged marriage when his folks agree to the match, and
which then turns sour because he realises that his calling is towards
the girl A, whom he rejected in the first place, and then they marry (he
and girl A), then it is called a "Socha Na Tha" marriage.

When a guy and a girl decide that they want to spend the rest of
their life together, and seek a social approval to live together, then
it is known as a marriage - and it is reason for all concerned to
celebrate and not introspect on what kind of marriage it is. Its not HOW,
but LOVE that matters.

Anonymous said...

What kind of oooooh marriage is urs.. :-)
I have a friend who was extremely practical & who would only 'fall' for a girl in his own community... & when his parents didnt agree for one of them, broke off! Convenient love!
Finally its a question of pain vs gain. For some, the pain of going against the whole family is too much. For some, the pain of separation is too much.
'In love' is different from 'love'. In love is more of an attachment and possessiveness whereas love is free flowing and knows no bondage.
It is said, if you love someone, set them free. Unfortunately, whether its arranged or love marriage, irrespective of circumstances, certain kind of people know no freedom and often this is mistaken for being in love!

Shruthi said...

Viky, Oh my God! That was fantastic! The only appropriate response is to link to this comment in the main post! :D
And yes, yes, Love is all that matters - not only Love, but how you handle that love and make the marriage a happy one ;)

Anand, if you look at Viky's classification, you can find what type mine falls under according to him(since you know the story) ;)
Yup you are right about "love" and "in love" - I had written a post about it a while ago - All about love!

Anonymous said...

Shruthi, You seem to have some really interesting (read vareity) set of friends ;-)

Viky, Take a bow! You are just fantastic in the comments section. With this talent you should write more on your blog.

Viky said...

Shru, handling love is no problem at all - unless you are super fit and dont have "love handles" ;)

Shark, thankyou, point taken. :D

Shruthi said...

Shark, Oh I can regale you for hours with those stories!

Viky, ;) good one ;) -- and I agree with Shark completely.

Anonymous said...

simple love cum arranged marriage (viky) can be better described as

love (kum) arranged(zyada) marriage !!!

Chitra said...

Ha ha...soooper post!

Anonymous said...

Someone once asked Lee Kwan Yu (the former Singapore PM) on his views on arranged vs love marraiges.. his comment was "You can Marry the Woman you love or Love the woman you marry. I chose to do the latter"

Anonymous said...

Viky rocks.

Shruthi said...

Nagraj, I think it should be arranged kum love zyaada, right? :)

Chitra, heh heh thank you!

Vijay, hmm.. succinct!

RK, he will be glad to hear that :D

Anonymous said...

Simply hilarious!

Viky said...

Thanks RK, will continue to petrify further...Muhahahaha!!!

Shruthi said...

Bit hawk, thank you :) - and thanks for all the comments on the other posts too!

Viky, LOL!

Nihal said...

What would you call these marriages:
Indian student (girl) needs operation abroad.Cant afford treatment.White guy sponsorer followed by love, then marriage both parents agree.

Muslim boy dates white woman.Girls side agrees only if boy converts to Christianity.Boy breaks off with girl due to harsh terms imposed by parents. After a lot of gaga and sob stories they end up getting married?

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